Not only am I losing the man that I love. I am losing the house that I love too. I can’t believe this is the last night I’ll ever sleep here. Why is this happening?

Here it is, the “What Happened” post.

It’s taken me a while to do this for several reasons. First, I really am not all that certain what happened myself. You may recall we just arrived home from Hawaii less than a month ago. We were a happy vacationing couple! Secondly, I think we all know, writing things down makes them real. And, I still don’t know that I’m ready for this to be real.

So, here goes, Zane and I haven’t had the healthiest of relationships. We argue a lot, and I really can’t pinpoint about what. Housework, his traveling, my aversion to change, my unstable mental health, etc. etc.

We were seeing a counselor for a while, but, with me starting my new job in December (you may recall my early retirement), his travels, the counselor’s schedule, we kinda dropped out.

So, I guess Zane decided he didn’t want to be in an unhealthy relationship anymore. He told me this after church on Father’s Day, minutes before I was to leave for the homeland to see my family.

I can honestly say that while I wish things were different, I wasn’t unhappy. I’m still madly in love with Zane. It hurts me horribly to imagine my life without him. I am scared to pack up and leave this house. I love it here. My kitty loves it here. She’s going to miss him and her big house with lots of windows to bird watch out of.

But, I move on Saturday. I’ve rented a lovely studio apartment in the West Hills about 10 minutes from here. It has a washer and dryer (my must have, I love laundry) and a dishwasher (which I do not have now). I’m having trouble packing. It makes me cry. Splitting up belongings is not fun.

Tomorrow, I’ll see my counselor. I am very looking forward to this. I love my girlfriends to death, but I think they’re a bit biased. So, it will be nice to talk to an unbiased person. Also, I am going to try to see my doctor (same office) as I’ve lost 15 pounds in one week. This, coupled with the 14 pounds I lost pre-vacation has me down to 124 – which I have not weighed since pre-freshman 15 in college.

Anyway, there’s so much in my mind right now I am not sure that any of this even makes sense. But, I do know this, I’ve found great comfort in my prayers as of late. I stayed the weekend with my mom in the homeland and after a huge snot and tear fest, I had her get my Papa on the phone so he could say a prayer with me. I felt so at peace after our prayer that it just reminded me that our Heavenly Father does have a plan for me and he wouldn’t make me go through this for no reason at all.

So, I keep praying.

I had the following exchange with my cousin’s 3 year old little boy on Sunday. I had taken a picture of him and was showing it to him on my camera.

Me: “Who’s that?”

Cole: “Cole!”

Me: “Cole, who?”

Cole: “Cole, Sad!!”

Me: “Why is Cole sad?”

Cole: “Cause he’s not gonna!”

And, that is how I feel, I am Rhiannon Sad, cause I’m not gonna… And, the ellipsis mean a number of things. Sad cause I’m not gonna be with Zane anymore, sad cause I’m not gonna have my happily ever after with him, etc., etc., etc.