Sunday, August 19th, 2007
Spiritually Awake
I had a very interesting experience today. I had planned on attending a nearby church to see if I like the service enough to attend regularly. But, for some reason, I felt that I should go to church with Zane. I texted him, asking if it was “okay” and he replied that it was. I almost immediately felt regret. Would this be wise for my still aching heart? Maybe I shouldn’t go? But, I got ready and showed up. Seeing Zane was, well, bittersweet. Words cannot express the feelings that I still have for this man. Anyway, the sermon today was on Compassion. We read from Matthew about blind men who were healed by Jesus. I was so deeply touched by this for some reason. I feel like those blind men everyday, I’m walking around, stumbling, and not getting anything right. I don’t like the way I am living my life and need healing. I had tears in my eyes for most of the service. Afterward, Zane took my outside to let me know that I had serious raccoon eyes going on and asked me what is on my heart.
I really understand now that he’s not who I should be speaking to about this stuff. But, you see, he’s comfortable, he’s familiar, and I’m still not ready to give him up.We chatted for a moment and he went to find a friend of mine. Her and I sat for some time talking about my feelings and she offered her prayers. I left her feeling more content and awake than I have in quite some time. I’m all done with my current way of life. I wish I had accepted the help that was offered to me after the breakup, but I just wasn’t ready. And, now I am. I’m done being mad at God and I am ready to work with him to heal.
And, this, keeps me faithful:
I will not leave unless you bless me Genesis 32:26
Comments on this post
I feel like I could be on the verge of something like this as well. Of course I almost always feel that way after I’ve spent time with my mother. She has faith like no one else I know. She’s got a scripture for everything and well… she just gives me such hope when she talks about God and what he can do for us.
It’s just so hard to let go.
“There’s a God shaped hole in all of us. And the restless soul is searching. There’s a God shaped hole in all of us. And it’s void that only He can fill.”
xoxo
20. August - 7:42 pmSometimes it’s in the weirdest time and part of our lives that we realize that we can’t heal ourselves but ask for help from someone else. It doesn’t mean you are giving up or a failure, it actually means the opposite. I want to find a church here that I like also but his family is so catholic I’m afraid of what they are going to say…but I need to just do it I guess! hehe
I know it’s hard to let go of someone you realy really love, because really love never goes away–if it’s true love. You just learn to love them in a different way. Life will get easier and it will go on but you just gotta hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
22. August - 4:50 amOh Rhi, I just want to hug you. I have a “few” angry post dedicated to God.
But we also always work things out.
7. April - 8:24 am