Yesterday, after I returned to from my second doctor’s appointment concerning my extremely swollen tongue, one of my coworkers said to me, “I’m going to go call my exorcist.” And, I laughed, well, I attempted to laugh. Laughing is hard when your tongue is the size of Texas.

But, lately? I feel like I’m Bad Luck Barbie. What? You’ve never heard of Bad Luck Barbie? Let me tell you a bit about  her.

In the past month, the following has happened in Bad Luck Barbie’s Life:

• Bad Luck Barbie’s Grandma passed away
• Bad Luck Barbie and Commitment-Phobe Ken Broke Up
• Some asshat (let’s call her Skipper) hit Bad Luck Barbie’s Dream Car in the parking lot, causing nearly $8,000 worth of damage
• Bad Luck Barbie was diagnosed with a Sinus Infection.
• Doctor Barbie prescribed antibiotics to which Bad Luck Barbie developed an allergic reaction to.
• Doctor Barbie prescribed new antibiotics, which caused our Bad Luck Barbie to develop an Oral Yeast Infection
• But, Malpractice Doctor Ken did not even look in Bad Luck  Barbie’s mouth when she went to see him on Wednesday, so he did not diagnose her with this. He told her to “WAIT IT OUT”
• So, Bad Luck Barbie sought the advice of Second Opinion Doctor Barbie on Thursday, when she awoke and could barely speak.
• Bad Luck Barbie’s friend, Carly, suggested that she brush her teeth with Monistat. But, you know what? That’s one piece of advice Bad Luck Barbie is going to go ahead and ignore.
• Now, all the money Bad Luck Barbie hoped to spend on a new frock to make her feel better was spent on copays and prescription medications. Most of which did not work.

So, currently, Bad Luck Barbie’s tongue doesn’t hurt quite as bad, but she’s still having some trouble speaking. She’s also wearing these shoes, even though it is snowing in BarbieTown today.

Tonight, Bad Luck Barbie will be attending a soiree with BarbieTown’s best and  brightest young professionals, but, she’ll need to bring her interpreter, Ashleigh, with her, because of the slurring.

Please send Bad Luck Barbie some good karma, so that maybe, just  maybe, she can turn into Good Luck Barbie. Or, maybe even Average Luck Barbie.

Gals (and, guys?), my tongue is still very swollen, I can not stop thinking about it. So, rather than make you all listen to me complain about it, I’m just going to do a giveaway instead. Okay with you?

So, as I’ve mentioned before, my favorite gal and BlogHer roommate Carly has an Etsy Shoppe (yes, it’s a SHOPPE) in which she makes darling business card holders. So, for this giveaway, I’m giving you this:

How do you win, you ask? Leave a comment on this post between now and tomorrow at midnight, my time. And, I’ll draw a lucky winner. If you want an extra entry? Post this giveaway on your blog, and come back and let me know you did.

And, if you just want to make me feel better? Tell me how much you love my new hair:

That really won’t help you win, but it will help me to feel better about my tongue, that is currently the size of Texas.

This will be a short post today my dears, as I am experiencing Antibiotic Allergic Reaction #2, complete with swollen tongue and slurred speech! If you know me in real life, and need a laugh, I suggest you call me, because once you hear my voice, you’ll be rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter. I’ll be crying, because my doctor has placed me on the BRAT diet for some damn reason. So far, I’ve substitued a croissant for toast and a caramel apple spice from Starbucks for applesauce. Awesome! 

On to the recap:

Okay, okay. I GET IT. You love music. You play the clarinet. You sing opera. You play the piano. FANTASTIC. You know what, though? It’s freaking boring to watch.

My first concern is, that many of these girls have never heard of this program, The Bachelor. They don’t seem to realize that he is going to be interacting with MANY other girls. I’m talking to you, SHAYNE.  Shayne annoys me for several reasons. First of all, she calls herself an actress. Thank you SO MUCH She Likes Purple, for looking her up on IMDB. Red Bikini Girl? Really, sweetie?

Secondly, I’d like to send Ashlee to my orthodontist, her teeth remind me of Jewel’s teeth. I have been cursed in that I’ve had braces three times, so I’d like everyone to at least have them once. Secondly, I’m with She Likes Purple. The “I got a rose dance” is NOT the way to make friends with the other girls.

Lastly, I was really sad to see the Church Marketing Gal go, because I was hoping at one point she’d explain just what the heck church marketing is. I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind these girls that we DO NOT cry over boys we’ve known for 13 minutes as a result of a tv show. You have fallen in like with him, at best, and we do not cry over boys that we fall in like with. Especially if they’re dating 14 other women at the same time. That is all.

My picks:

Noelle

Amanda

Annoying the hell out of me (thus I refuse to link to them):

Marshana

Shayne

Ashlee