First of all, I’d like to share with you something that I read in the paperwork they gave me after my shot yesterday.

“Your body will be in a pseudo-menopausal state which may affect your mood. Realize that naturally occurring menopause occurs gradually over months or years, but this drug induces a menopausal state in a period of days, so you may experience temporary shifts in mood.”

A PERIOD OF DAYS!?!?

Well, I consider myself to be um, advanced in many areas. So, I of course am blaming my foul mood this morning on the Lupron, ALREADY.

So, here I give you my first of what I’m sure will be MANY installments of “You know what annoys me?” This installment will focus specifically on Email.

Now, for background, many of you may know that I’m an online marketer in real life. I’ve been working in this field for the better part of 8 years. Most of those 8 years were spent focusing on EMAIL MARKETING. I am good at this, y’all.  Anyway, I just thought I’d throw that in there because I like to pat myself on the back a whole lot. You should know this by now.

So, if you plan on sending me an email – be it personal, professional, or of the marketing sort, please first refer to this list.

• A subject line is absolutely necessary.
• How about you DON’T forward me the deal that says that I’m a special friend to you, and if I don’t send the email back to you then you’ll know what that says about our frienship. Do you know what it says to  me about our friendship if you forward me that crap? That you don’t care enough about me to send me an actual, personal email. SO THERE.
• Okay, say you get an email from your friend and she’s all, “Let’s meet up at The Raccoon Lodge for happy hour after work!” and you see that not only has she invited you, but she’s also invited Sally, Marsha, and Gertrude, as well as a bunch of girls you don’t know? Don’t reply ALL to that email saying you’d love to join because you love the Raspberry Wheat at Raccoon Lodge,  but well, your cat has indigestion and you really need to be home with her. Because chances are, one of the girls who you don’t know is me and she has a tendency to hold a grudge. And, next time you do make it to happy hour at Raccoon Lodge, I’ll have had one too many Raspberry Wheats and I’ll bring your poor emailing up.
• Say you own a small business and you’ve just started to develop an email marketing program. I’m a fan of your small business, perhaps I enjoy buying yarn at your fine store, so I sign up to be on your list. Because coupons are promised and I’m pretty much a coupon whore, okay, I do NOT NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE THAN TWICE A MONTH. Twice or thrice a week emails are not appreciated, especially when they’ve NEVER contained the coupons you promised me. I know RIGHT where the unsubscribe button is and I’m not afraid to use it. Except, you’ve never heard of CAN-SPAM, so you don’t have an unsubscribe button. Well, I also know where the ‘MARK AS SPAM’ button is in Gmail AND Outlook.
• Oh, and, my name? It’s spelled R-H-I-A-N-N-O-N not Rihiannon, not Rohannon, not Ree (although, Ree? is lovely, but that’s her name, not mine). If in the first line of your email my name is misspelled, I will not respond to you.
• OH! OH! If you send me an email to fill me in on things, but do not ask me for input in any way in that email, I will not respond. You are not allowed to be huffy about this. I get hundreds and hundreds of email per day (work and personal) and I can’t respond to them all. If you want a response, ask for one.
• Please do not EVER, EVER, EVER give your mother my email address. I’ve had ONE too many conspiracy theory/urban legend/evangelical emails from her. No, I do not believe that I should run down and take all my money out of the bank. Nor do I believe anything else your mom sends me. EVER.
• And, finally, J.Crew, I’m mainly talking to you. If you send me an email apologizing for your website being down for OH, EVER. That email better include a damn coupon code.

That is all.

On my lunch hour tomorrow, I’ll be receiving the shot that will put me into menopause for the next six months. I thought I’d warn you because word around the campfire is, I might get a little emotional.

Nic and I were IM’ing the other day and she suggested that I sign emails, blog posts, etc. during my emotional times as “Lupron Rhi” so that my peeps know that it’s not really the Rhi that you know and hopefully love, but instead my hot-flashy, bloated, pizza-faced counterpart.

If you meet Lupron Rhi in person, she’ll most likely have a scowl on her face. If you see her with her boyfriend, he’ll probably have a scowl on his face too, because apparently this shot affects, um, desires. If you know what I mean (I think you do). She also will probably be fanning herself, so it’s a really good thing that I found a little paper fan in one of my Grandma’s dresser drawers yesterday. It had a little sticker on it, which I think means, “Save for Rhiannon, she’ll need it.”

I also have a sneaking suspicion that Lupron Rhi will cancel the moratorium on shopping. Who am I to argue with her? If I’m going through menopause, albeit temporarily, at 29, I NEED MY SHOPPING. Plus, I’ll be saving $30 a month on birth control and at least $6 a month on feminine products. SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT (never mind that the shot is uber spendy, I make the rules around here!)

So, please bear with me the next few months. If this works, I’ll be pain free and when the time comes, I’ll let you hold my baby. But, only if your hands are clean.

I’m blah today. I’m not much of a crier, but I really feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Just like I did last night when I saw Christina Applegate on the Emmy’s. “She’s so pretttyyyyyy! WAHHHHHHHHH! What a strong woman!!”

Just like that.

Here’s what’s going on:

• I’m discontinuing my crazy meds. I don’t need them anymore. But, getting off of Effexor XR is TOUGH. It’s one of the worst anti-depressants to quit. And, I’m ready. But, my brain is noodly and it’s making me weepy.
• Today is the last day I’ll ever set foot into my Grandma’s house. Part of me had hoped that I’d find a million or so dollars somewhere so I could swoop in and buy real quick-like. But, then I remembered, I’m 29, I work for a non-profit, and I have a bad, bad shopping habit. Here’s hoping the new owners will treat is as good as my Grandma did and that perhaps someday it will be back on the market and I can buy it and maybe raise my family there. Because I’m a firm believer that every child should get to play at a house with a laundry chute.
• The boy comes back from Oktoberfest tomorrow, but I’m past the point of missing him. I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM. We’ve not actually spoken since last Tuesday, instead communicating via email, and I just really want to hear his voice, and hold his hand, and kiss him, and I am such a freaking cheeseball.
• And, my hair just looks really freaking stupid today.

Now you have to distract me. GO! NOW!