First of all, if I had any idea how much better I’d feel by just admitting how I’ve been feeling, I would have done it a long time ago. I’ve said to Bill a few times that I wasn’t feeling quite myself, or that I was down, or that I thought I had a case of the winter sads, but I’d never really admitted to him the extent of it.

So, yesterday I did. And, yesterday we made a plan. I’m going to start taking the supplements I was taking that were working well from The Mood Cure and if those don’t work then, in a few weeks, I’ll make a doctor’s appointment. And, by doctor, I might mean Naturopath. Before we hung up the phone he said four words that made me smile (and maybe cry a little bit). Those four words? “We’re a team now.”

I’m also making some rules for myself. When Bill’s traveling, I have a tendency to go to bed SUPER early because I’m bored. From now on, I’m not allowed to get in bed before 9 p.m. If I’m bored, I’ll find a household chore to do, pick up my knitting, or I don’t know, maybe write on this blog. I will eat dinner every night*, a dinner consisting of a protein, a vegetable and a grain. No drinking at home on school nights (I’ve been doing pretty good with this rule, but I sometimes break it). My best is good enough, and thinking something is not good enough is not an excuse for not completing a task (I’ve had a gift sitting on my dining room table for weeks now that I wouldn’t mail because I thought it wasn’t good enough). There are some other rules about not beating myself up, not comparing myself to others and working out, but I’ll just keep those to myself.

Most importantly, I’m going to stop feeling ashamed of feeling this way. The comments from my previous post reiterated what I already know – it’s okay to be sad, and I’m not alone. So, thank you all for reminding me of that.

*I don’t want you guys to think I’ve not been eating, because I do eat at least 3 meals a day. It’s just that sometimes my evening meal consists of asparagus. And, nothing else.

I haven’t been here in a while. I should be so happy right now. I mean, I’m getting married. And, I’m happy about that. I’m so happy about that. I’m happy when I’m with Bill. My anxiety stays away and I don’t want to crawl under my covers when he’s around. But, when I’m alone or at work, all I can think about is how badly I want to be asleep. It’s not healthy for me to depend on him for my happiness, but if I could spend every waking second with him right now, I would. He’s traveling for work right now. I’m not dealing well with this.

My birthday is in 9 days, and if you know me well, you know in past years I’d have had my birthday happy hour or dinner or celebration planned for weeks now. This year, I’m just not interested. We’re going to Seattle for my birthday weekend. To spend time alone, to introduce Bill to my uncle. I should be excited, but I’m wondering if it’s too late to cancel the trip. Because what I really want for my birthday is to stay in bed.

Of course, today, it’s 5:15, I’ve been up for an hour and I’ve spent the last half hour of it crying and trying to catch Bill before he heads off for the day’s meetings. I think it’s too late. I’m in bed making deals with myself, “Okay, you HAVE to be out the door at 7:10, so you can stay in bed until 6:30, but only if you don’t wear makeup today.” I’m obsessively checking my bank account, worried really over nothing, that I won’t be able to buy Christmas presents. I have no reason to worry. So, I’m mad that I’m worrying.

I’m starving, but I don’t want to eat. I’ve been obsessed with maintaining my current weight ever since my huge H1N1 weight loss. I’m exhausted right now, but I can’t sleep. And, what difference would an hour’s worth of sleep make at this point? I’ve been off Effexor for about a year now and I think it’s time for me to admit defeat and go back on it, but I just can’t.

I don’t know what to do. I really do have a great life. I’m getting married to my favorite person in the entire world, I have an amazing job, I should be happy.