Friday, July 16th, 2010
The Name Game
One huge thing I left off the wedding to-do list in my earlier post is that we have to get a marriage license. In Multnomah County, you can get your license up to 60 days before your wedding and guess what? Our wedding is in 44 days (thank you TheKnot.com for feeding my anxiety by keeping me apprised of exactly how many days there are until the big day).
While figuring out the rules for obtaining the license, I observed this little gem:
THE MARRIAGE LICENSE APPLICATION REQUIRES BOTH THE BRIDE AND GROOM TO ESTABLISH THE LEGAL NAME EACH WILL TAKE AFTER THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY. THIS INFORMATION IS CRITICAL AND MUST BE DETERMINED PRIOR TO THE COMPLETION OF YOUR APPLICATION.
(no need to yell, Multnomah County, I get it)
So, here’s the deal. I have NO IDEA what my name is going to be. Obviously, Bill would like me to take his name. But, I’ve been Rhiannon LastName for 31 years and I like being Rhiannon LastName. Also, my father has no other children, so I’m the very last LastName in our lineage. Additionally, I like to think (I could be wrong), that I’m known pretty well by my current name professionally and I’d like to keep it that way.
Here are my options:
- Suck it up and give up my last name
- Take his last name, remain Rhiannon LastName professionally.
- Drop my middle name (which I love and is my one tie to my Grandma) and begin using LastName as my middle name, thus becoming Rhiannon LastName HisLastName.
- Keep middle name and hyphenate, which would give me the longest name in the history of the universe.
- Drop last name period. Just be Rhiannon. (kidding, sort of)
Questions for you…If you’re married, what did you do? If you’re engaged, what’s your plan?
Comments on this post
I didn’t really want to take my husband’s last name either. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, I just really love my last name, I love my family’s history, I’m proud of it.
In the end, I decided to take my husband’s last name. I came to the realization that changing my last name doesn’t change where I came from, it doesn’t change my pride in my family, it doesn’t change me as a person, etc.
No regrets. I’m glad that I did it.
16. July - 8:28 amamber´s last [type] ..Friday Finds 120
Why not something like The Rhiannon?
16. July - 8:30 amCrist, that is the best idea you’ve ever had.
16. July - 8:32 amI vote for Rhiannon MiddleName HisLastName.:) I like that.
16. July - 8:32 amJamie´s last [type] ..Three Little Words
I never even considered taking my husband’s name. I tell people it’s because my name plus his last name would make me sound like a retirement community or funeral home. The real reason is that I am opposed to the idea as a feminist but it can be awkward to say that if the women I am talking to changed theirs.
16. July - 8:39 amUntil we get to the point where 50% of men change their name and 50% of women do (well, plus whatever huge number do something else like make a new name or both hyphenate or something), I will remain opposed. I did offer to hyphenate if my husband would, but he wasn’t into it (more complicated transguy reasons, not anti-feminist). Our kid is hyphenated. Yes, hyphens can be unwieldy but I don’t see many other fair choices.
So… I’m going to vote for Rhiannon MiddleName HisLastName and vow to give your LastName to all of your children as their middle name (or first name). The name will have a chance to live on in one way or form for a bit longer.
16. July - 8:47 amNic´s last [type] ..As the mice live on
I kept my name. It was a decision where I cared a lot and my husband didn’t care at all, so my preference trumped his non-preference. That doesn’t stop everyone on the planet from calling me Mrs. HisLastName, but that’s the decision I made!!
If we decide to have children, they will have his last name.
16. July - 8:51 amI agree with Nic. My roomie and her brother both have their Mom’s maiden name for their middle name, as do my roomie’s two nephews.
16. July - 8:56 amI like Nic’s idea. Your last name would make a good middle name.
I struggle with this as well (as a non-engaged person- ha!) because as you know my real first name is long & unusual. What will go with it?! Plus, I like keeping my last name as a tie to my dad.
16. July - 8:57 amI was given four names when I was born so when I got married I dropped my second middle name (mom’s maiden name) and became Erin MiddleName LastName HisLastName. At my last job and to lots of my friends I am Erin LastName HisLastName, no hyphen. It is a solution that let me have all the important names and use them as I see fit :-)
16. July - 9:19 amGood luck to you!
Erin´s last [type] ..Baby!
I think in your situation if it would make your husband happy for you to take his name, but you don’t really want to, you could do so socially but not legally and not professionally (especially if you think you have a lot of value built up in your maiden name professionally that you don’t want to lose). Since it seems to mean a lot to you, I also don’t think you should replace your current middle name. Maybe your children could have your surname as a middle name and Bill’s as their surname. That’s what I would do in your shoes.
I find the issue of surnames a hot topic. I think as the person being asked to make a change that can be emotional, you get final say.
I was engaged a few years ago (we broke it off before marrying though) but I was planning on taking his name. I’ve always wanted to take my husband’s name so we’d have one name for the family, but it turns out in reality that my desire to have a surname I like trumps that. If I marry my boyfriend, I will keep my surname because I don’t like his, it’s long and unwieldy, it sounds stupid with my first name and I can barely pronounce it. If we have kids, they’ll get his surname, but I’m annoyed about it. All the kids names we like would sound better with my surname!
16. July - 9:55 amI ended up being legally, Jimmie MaidenName HisLastName. My passport and driver’s license have my name that way, though, but any informal time, I list my name as Jimmie MiddleName HisLastName.
For you, since you are already established professionally, I’d almost just remain Rhiannon YourLastName professionally, and then legally/socially, if you wanted to, become Rhiannon HisLastName. I know a lot of professional women who have done this.
16. July - 10:10 amAs you know, I kept my maiden name and I’m so glad I did. Not just because of what happened, though. I don’t ever intend on changing my name, because I intend to publish under it, and because I’m the last Ladish (on the West Coast anyway), and I do want to keep it alive in some way. It’s just really important to me, and I see more reasons (for me) to keep my name as it is than to ever change it.
That said, I think it’s fairly simple to take Bill’s name personally and keep your name professionally, especially because of your profession. (That’s what I did originally.)
But! I also think it’s fairly simple for people to start knowing you as another name, personally and professionally. (You are still you; you just get new business cards!)
Thirdly, I love Nic’s idea about taking Bill’s name and using your last name in some way for your a child’s name.
So, I think this might be the most unhelpful comment in the history of ever.
All of that to say: 44! days. SO EXCITING.
16. July - 10:13 amKerri Anne´s last [type] ..Good Things- Morgan & Destiny’s Eleventeenth Date
I took my husband’s name, partly because I don’t have any strong feelings about my maiden name and partly because I was tired of coming near the end of the alphabet (my maiden name starts with the same letter as LastName) and I wanted to be close to the top for once. Yes, I’m weird.
In retrospect, I wish I’d gone with Bethany MiddleName MaidenName HisLastName, but I still would have used HisLastName as my name on most things…I just would have kept my maiden name as part of my legal name.
16. July - 10:16 ambethany actually´s last [type] ..Let me ’splain…no- there is too much Let me sum up
I kept my last name. This is totally my opinion – I just don’t see the point in changing names. Like you I have a career and an identity as my name and saw no point in changing all that. It is just a personal thing, but I don’t get changing it.
16. July - 10:57 amanne´s last [type] ..Oscar Films
I took his last name. I liked the idea of creating a family with matching last names. I’m a little OCD. And now that we have a child, I really like that we all have the same last name.
One bonus about having an unusual first name is that people almost never get confused about who I am, even if they previously knew me by my maiden name. Most of them only know one Blythe, especially in context (professionally, that they went to school with, whatever), and that Blythe is me.
I have a few friends who did the personal/professional differentiation, and that seems to work OK, although some ended up changing altogether eventually, either when they got a new job or when they had kids. I think it became confusing to the kids’ schools and acquaintances who knew them in both areas (not that the kids/parent had different last names, but that the parent seemed to go by two different names).
However, keeping your name is so common, especially in the PNW, that the external issues shouldn’t matter too much. I think keeping it, especially because of its connection to your dad, is a cool thing.
16. July - 11:26 amBlythe´s last [type] ..Rudely Interrupted
i kept my own name. i don’t judge anyone who does anything different, but to be honest…my first name just didn’t sound as good with his name as it does with mine. it sounded like a candy that would make you sick. plus, i’m in the same boat with the lineage thing.
16. July - 11:40 amSo. I have had four (4!) last names.
I’ll wait here while you wrap your head around that…
When I got my third last name, I said, this is IT. IT! I am NEVER changing my name AGAIN!
And then I met Chris, who is super-proud of his name (the brothers all have it tattooed on their bodies for god’s sake), and in the end, it meant more to him that I take his name than it meant for me to keep mine (even though I did really want to keep mine), so I changed.
But the fourth time is IT! For reals.
Anyway, I guess it depends on how hard-up Bill is about it…
And if you’re thinking about switching, in my case, I still use my old last name (in addition to the new one) on resumes and shtuff.
16. July - 11:46 amI, uhh, meant to finish my thought about Bill being hard-up…I didn’t intend for it to just END there, all creepy-like. And! Now it’s creepier, so I’ll stop. I’m sure you knew what I meant anyway…I hope?
16. July - 11:47 amHome Sweet Sarah´s last [type] ..The dishes are DONE- man!
It’s like you’re in my head!
I had always been on Team No Name Change, and now I’m 70-something days away (yes, God bless TheKnot and their obsessive emails), getting ready to apply for our license and making the decision on the name.
My fiance is like Bill, and my options and concerns are exactly like yours (except I have a much-younger brother and cousin, so the name will live on, but I’m the oldest), but I figure that marriage is full of compromises so I’m hyphenating. At first even THAT wigged me out but as the date grows closer I’m actually feeling better about it. It occurred to me that I am ALWAYS slow to deal with change (even stupid stuff) so I gave myself the space to process and found myself excited about it. So many people I know were SO! EXCITED! to be Mrs. So-and-So and happily ditched the maiden name, and I thought maybe there was something wrong with me for being ambivalent, but like most highly personal decisions, everyone deals differently.
It’s going to be a fairly long-ish name but I don’t care, and if down the road I want to drop MyLastName, I can. We have already decided that our future kids will simply be HisLastName.
16. July - 12:22 pmChristen´s last [type] ..Say My Name
I took my husbands last name (which is common, easy to spell and pronounce and never mistaken for an annual procedure that OB/GYNs perform – unlike my LastName). I kept both my middle name (a family name on my mom’s side) and moved my LastName to be a second middle. So, I have four names. I never use them all unless it’s tax season, but it’s nice to know that the “whole name” I grew up with (the one only called out when I was in big, big trouble) which represents both family lines of my parents is still intact. And now I just have a new piece on the end which, to me, signifies that my husband and I are a unit, a team if you will.
It’s such a personal decision though, and I would never judge one way or another. Good luck deciding!
16. July - 1:57 pmWow! I can’t believe you have to make that decision before you get your marriage license!! We don’t have to do that here. I kept my maiden name until my father-in-law booked an airline ticket for me with my husband’s last name. It’s easier to legally change your last name than to change your name on an airline ticket, and THAT’S when and why I changed my name.
16. July - 2:05 pmBritt´s last [type] ..If I Want Your Opinion- I’ll Give it to You
My husband and I both kept our middle names, use his last name and have added my maiden name as a second middle name. So, four names each but no hyphens. Now our son has two middle names too . . . one we gave him and my maiden name. In practice, none of us ever really use that second middle name, but I love knowing that it is there.
16. July - 3:21 pmHollyLynne´s last [type] ..Sewing Toys!!!
Despite liking my maiden name better (my husband’s name is more “ethnic”), I quickly and excitedly took his name… It probably had something to do with the fact that he never planned on getting married, and no one thought that he actually would…. Regardless, I actually didn’t even think about keeping my maiden name. But one of my friend’s is getting married in a few weeks, and I love her approach to the name dilemma. Her and her fiancé are both hyphenating their two last names, so they will both be Mr. & Mrs. His last name-her last name.
17. July - 6:56 amHilary´s last [type] ..Houseguest hilarity
I changed mine to Kathy MaidenName HisLastname. I didn’t have any strong feelings for my middle name so I trashed it.
Now that I have kids, I am especially glad I took his last name because it is much easier in social situations.
I think you should do what YOU feel is best. Once you change it legally, it’s a real pain to change it back.
17. July - 7:23 amI am neither married or engaged, but I can tell you what my mom did. When she married my dad, she’d already established herself in her profession as FirstName MaidenName. Legally, professionally and sometimes personally that’s her name. However, she also goes by FirstName DadsName or any combination of her first name, maiden name and family last name. That means she gets the benefits of being “Mrs. DadsName” when she’s being mom, but she never suffered any confusion professionally. Sure, it can cause confusion, but so does keeping your name but being married. There’s no right or perfect answer to this, you just have to forge your own way if you choose to keep your name, which it sounds like would make your Dad happy. And its a hell of a lot easier to keep it now, and decide later you want to change it than go through the name change twice.
17. July - 1:02 pmI chose to take my last name as my middle name and then his last name. At least I put that on my marriage license application, but I haven’t legally changed my name yet (10 months later) and they can’t make you! You can be whatever you want, and don’t sweat the timing.
17. July - 5:27 pmLadyConcierge´s last [type] ..Fixing Dinner
I lurk here, but I had to comment on this one. Because 2 months ago? This was the HARDEST decision that I had to make.
(Fortunately, I didn’t have to decide until AFTER the wedding and not for the license.)
This is my second marriage though and I have children. AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my ex-husband’s last name.
But not thinking the new hubs would like it if I kept it.
And because I’m in sales, the professional side of me was like… oh no, I’ll lose clients…
So…
I became Heather exsLastName HisLastName so that I could still have a name tied to my kids.
But for work? I have a stage name. The name that I came to the job with. (But honestly? It’s been 2 months and I still call my self by my old name.)
Hang in there. It will all come to you!
19. July - 7:05 amHeather {Desperately Seeking}´s last [type] ..Please Don’t Think I’m That Amazing
I changed my name when I got married, and I absolutely regret that I did. I love my maiden name. I don’t ever want to change it. Ever.
I hear the argument all the time about having a family with one last name to make for less awkward social situations/let everyone know you belong together. I just don’t buy it. Between myself and my two sisters we have three different maiden names. That’s correct. Three. My identical twin sister and I had different last names growing up–and no one was ever confused about us belonging to the same family. Most people didn’t even think about it.
Do what is best for you–and know that you can always change your name later if you want to, it’s not that big of a deal.
xox
19. July - 8:14 amheidikins´s last [type] ..Boom! Kapow! BangBangBang! BOOM!
I like Nic’s suggestion. BUT, I also love my last name, even though it is SO COMMON! But I like being KJ! I want to always be KJ!
19. July - 9:31 amKristabella´s last [type] ..I’m Sending You Elsewhere
I kept ALL of my names, and my last name now is technically Maiden Married. I use Married at work and Maiden Married for everything else. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t change my name.
20. July - 10:46 amWhen I got married, I kept my full name and then added Hubs name, so I had a total for four names. Personally and professionally I went by Hubs name only.
I never liked his name very much. Now that we are divorced and his name is on my passport, drivers license and SS #, I deeply regret taking a name I wasn’t crazy about.
20. July - 11:18 amHänni´s last [type] ..Hair Today- Job Tomorrow
I didn’t change my last name, and it really bothered my husband. But socially, I am the one expected to change my name and he isn’t. Nor did he want to. Some people don’t think changing their name is a big deal, others do. I fall into the second category.
All of my friends who got married, changed their names. They looked at me in utter confusion when I said I wouldn’t change mine. “What does DAN think?” They all asked. Hey, how about asking what I think?
When we have kids, even though it will be unruly, I want them to have FirstName MiddleName MyLastName Hubby’sLast Name. I know it’s crazy, but I hate hyphenating, and I want to pick out a cool middle name! I also want them to have my name too.
It’s confusing for sure.
Good luck with your decision!
21. July - 1:43 amI’m getting married next month, too, and I’m going to say see ya to my middle name and become Haley Maiden Name New Last Name. It has a really nice ring to it, and granted I’ll typically go by only my guy’s name, which, omg, RHYMES with my first name, but I like my last name a lot better than I do my middle name. Its not that I don’t like my middle name, but I’ve only been called by that once or twice as a kid when I was in big trouble. I’m a teacher, and I hear my name on a daily basis, so its something that I’m just not ready to part with. Hopefully that makes at least the slightest bit of sense!
22. July - 3:51 pmAs someone who gave up my middle name in favor of using my maiden name as my middle name and my married name as my last – DON’T DO IT! I really, REALLY miss my middle name. I ended up hyphenating the two names professionally anyway… and I use the married name personally. I have so many names, I’ve lost track.
31. July - 5:08 pmIt’s funny you mention this now – Mark and I just got our license yesterday. And I’ve been sure I was taking his last name since pretty much the beginning of time. But when it came time to write it down on the license, I hesitated just a little.
Our names are too similar to hyphenate (Harris/Davis) and I kind of find it pretentious anyway. And I don’t want to have a different last name than our children (if we decide to have them). Besides, I love his family and I’m really excited to finally be “official.”
4. August - 5:44 amAimee´s last [type] ..Wedding Stationary Reviews
I kept my last name. I have my mother’s maiden name as my last name and I didn’t want to change it for anything. After 16 years of marriage, I’ve found that it really doesn’t matter that much….I don’t care anymore. You have to do what feels right at the time. At the end of the day and in 20 years, my guess is, that it won’t seem like such a BIG decision. You’ll do what is right for you.
14. August - 7:25 pmKim´s last [type] ..Bye