Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
The first time I went somewhere without my baby he was 11 days old. He had just been to the doctor’s office for a little procedure and I was heading to my doctor’s office to be checked out for some complications from his birth. He was so fussy from his doctor’s visit that I couldn’t bear to put him in his carseat, which was still a torture device to him. I was gone for maybe 45 minutes but was riddled with anxiety the entire time. He had only been mine for 11 days, but I felt like I left something that had been a part of me forever behind. I arrived home and found him right where I left him, right in Bill’s arms snoozing away.
This morning, almost 9 months later I left for BlogHer for 3 and a half days. Though he’s a much bigger boy now, I’m riddled with the same anxiety. I still feel like I’ve left something that’s been a part of me forever behind. Pulling out of my driveway this morning was hard. I sent a tearful voicemail message to some girlfriends. I cried at the sight of one of his toys in the back of my car. I teared up at the sight of a baby around his age on my flight.
I know he’s in good hands with my husband. I know he’ll be well taken care of and played with. He’ll get lots of snuggles and kisses. I’m more worried about how I’ll take being away from him. I’m worried that he’ll forget me. I’m worried that he won’t want to nurse when I get back.
I don’t want to be the type of mother that won’t leave her child for more than a few hours at a time. I don’t want to be the mom who has never left her three year-old. I can’t be that type of mother. I want my son to see me as a strong woman who takes care of herself and pursues interests outside of the home. I want my husband to feel confident that he can care for our son just as well as I can. I want Henry to know the same. I don’t want him to grow up being afraid to be cared for by someone else. I’d like to eventually spend a weekend away, just my husband and I and I know this weekend away for me is a stepping stone to that. I want to relax for a couple days,(hopefully) get a full night’s sleep and come home feeling refreshed (and I’ll need to be refreshed as Bill’s off to NYC for four days on Monday).
So, I might be a little teary-eyed when you see me this weekend. I miss my baby boy for sure but I’m excited to be here.