Not only am I losing the man that I love. I am losing the house that I love too. I can’t believe this is the last night I’ll ever sleep here. Why is this happening?

Here it is, the “What Happened” post.

It’s taken me a while to do this for several reasons. First, I really am not all that certain what happened myself. You may recall we just arrived home from Hawaii less than a month ago. We were a happy vacationing couple! Secondly, I think we all know, writing things down makes them real. And, I still don’t know that I’m ready for this to be real.

So, here goes, Zane and I haven’t had the healthiest of relationships. We argue a lot, and I really can’t pinpoint about what. Housework, his traveling, my aversion to change, my unstable mental health, etc. etc.

We were seeing a counselor for a while, but, with me starting my new job in December (you may recall my early retirement), his travels, the counselor’s schedule, we kinda dropped out.

So, I guess Zane decided he didn’t want to be in an unhealthy relationship anymore. He told me this after church on Father’s Day, minutes before I was to leave for the homeland to see my family.

I can honestly say that while I wish things were different, I wasn’t unhappy. I’m still madly in love with Zane. It hurts me horribly to imagine my life without him. I am scared to pack up and leave this house. I love it here. My kitty loves it here. She’s going to miss him and her big house with lots of windows to bird watch out of.

But, I move on Saturday. I’ve rented a lovely studio apartment in the West Hills about 10 minutes from here. It has a washer and dryer (my must have, I love laundry) and a dishwasher (which I do not have now). I’m having trouble packing. It makes me cry. Splitting up belongings is not fun.

Tomorrow, I’ll see my counselor. I am very looking forward to this. I love my girlfriends to death, but I think they’re a bit biased. So, it will be nice to talk to an unbiased person. Also, I am going to try to see my doctor (same office) as I’ve lost 15 pounds in one week. This, coupled with the 14 pounds I lost pre-vacation has me down to 124 – which I have not weighed since pre-freshman 15 in college.

Anyway, there’s so much in my mind right now I am not sure that any of this even makes sense. But, I do know this, I’ve found great comfort in my prayers as of late. I stayed the weekend with my mom in the homeland and after a huge snot and tear fest, I had her get my Papa on the phone so he could say a prayer with me. I felt so at peace after our prayer that it just reminded me that our Heavenly Father does have a plan for me and he wouldn’t make me go through this for no reason at all.

So, I keep praying.

I had the following exchange with my cousin’s 3 year old little boy on Sunday. I had taken a picture of him and was showing it to him on my camera.

Me: “Who’s that?”

Cole: “Cole!”

Me: “Cole, who?”

Cole: “Cole, Sad!!”

Me: “Why is Cole sad?”

Cole: “Cause he’s not gonna!”

And, that is how I feel, I am Rhiannon Sad, cause I’m not gonna… And, the ellipsis mean a number of things. Sad cause I’m not gonna be with Zane anymore, sad cause I’m not gonna have my happily ever after with him, etc., etc., etc.

I found just now in my busy bag (yes, I am a 3 year old and must bring a bag with things to do with me everywhere I go) that I wrote to myself the day we got into Hawaii containing things that I did NOT want to forget for the purposes of this here blog.

This note, on a hotel notepad, says:

- Mai Tai’s on plane
- Free wine
- Plane smelled farty
- Hilarious people at live music

You still love me even though I am a total nerd, right?

Let me explain:

When we first got onto the plane (we flew first class) we were offered Mai Tai’s before we even sat down. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

Secondly, on the plane, the audio system was not working, thus, no movie. This did not break my heart in the least. The movie was The Astronaut Farmer. I am allergic to Billy Bob, so in an effort not to break out into a hideous rash on the plane, I wasn’t going to partake. Anyway, to make up for this “inconvenience,” the flight attendant gave us a bottle of wine (and every other couple in first class). She said it would have been champagne, which is what I was drinking, but me and the lady sitting in front of me had already cleaned them clear out.

And, the plane DID smell farty. But, let me clear this up. My seat (the aisle seat, I CANNOT tolerate sitting near the window and having someone (even my beloved) lean over me to look out the window) was fine. But, before we were getting ready to land, Zane went potty and when he came back, we thought it easier that I just move over rather than him climb over me. BTW – he still did lean over me during landing which I tolerated. Anyway, from that seat 12 inches away, the smell of fartiness was out of control. I came to the conclusion that someone must have been wearing an adult diaper and they had just, um, made use of it.

And, lastly, when we got to our hotel and checked in, we went down to the pool bar/restaurant to have some drinks and listen to the lovely Hawaiian Band they had down there. Anyway, these local, elderly people showed up, rearranged many tables, ordered a round of Miller Lites ON ICE and some onion rings. They just cracked me the hell up. The best was the flaming gay 70 year old wearing print hot pink pants with rhinestone sunglasses who was the most dainty onion ring eater I have ever seen.

But, really, Miller Lite on ice?

I seem to be having issues with two things – a) reality and b) uploading photos to my geriatric iBook from my slightly less geriatric camera.

Things haven’t been as sunshine and lollipops since returning from Hawaii as I would like, but, life goes on.

Until I am able to post pictures and something meaningful, here is a quick overview of my vacation.

- Hawaii was lovely. I want to marry it.

- I got a nice sunburn our second day there (a combination of not enough SPF 50 on my feet, knees and cleavage area and too many Mai Tais). Never fear though, it’s turned into a nice tan.

- I went on 3 hikes (a waterfall hike, Diamond Head and Manoa Falls), rode in a glider (that’s a plane with NO DAMN ENGINE), visited Pearl Harbor, and attempted to learn to SCUBA in our hotel pool. Also, I planted my own pineapple at the Dole Plantation.

- I ate my weight in fresh pineapple and also fresh seafood.

- I read 3 books!

- We rented a jeep, yet neither of us knew how to put the top up or down. So, on the second day there, we paid the valets to take the top off, and off it stayed. This meant that we got kinda wet in the daily rain showers that Hawaii experiences.

- I took 236 pictures, 80 of which are stuck on my camera.

More to follow, I promise!