Yesterday, after I returned to from my second doctor’s appointment concerning my extremely swollen tongue, one of my coworkers said to me, “I’m going to go call my exorcist.” And, I laughed, well, I attempted to laugh. Laughing is hard when your tongue is the size of Texas.

But, lately? I feel like I’m Bad Luck Barbie. What? You’ve never heard of Bad Luck Barbie? Let me tell you a bit about  her.

In the past month, the following has happened in Bad Luck Barbie’s Life:

• Bad Luck Barbie’s Grandma passed away
• Bad Luck Barbie and Commitment-Phobe Ken Broke Up
• Some asshat (let’s call her Skipper) hit Bad Luck Barbie’s Dream Car in the parking lot, causing nearly $8,000 worth of damage
• Bad Luck Barbie was diagnosed with a Sinus Infection.
• Doctor Barbie prescribed antibiotics to which Bad Luck Barbie developed an allergic reaction to.
• Doctor Barbie prescribed new antibiotics, which caused our Bad Luck Barbie to develop an Oral Yeast Infection
• But, Malpractice Doctor Ken did not even look in Bad Luck  Barbie’s mouth when she went to see him on Wednesday, so he did not diagnose her with this. He told her to “WAIT IT OUT”
• So, Bad Luck Barbie sought the advice of Second Opinion Doctor Barbie on Thursday, when she awoke and could barely speak.
• Bad Luck Barbie’s friend, Carly, suggested that she brush her teeth with Monistat. But, you know what? That’s one piece of advice Bad Luck Barbie is going to go ahead and ignore.
• Now, all the money Bad Luck Barbie hoped to spend on a new frock to make her feel better was spent on copays and prescription medications. Most of which did not work.

So, currently, Bad Luck Barbie’s tongue doesn’t hurt quite as bad, but she’s still having some trouble speaking. She’s also wearing these shoes, even though it is snowing in BarbieTown today.

Tonight, Bad Luck Barbie will be attending a soiree with BarbieTown’s best and  brightest young professionals, but, she’ll need to bring her interpreter, Ashleigh, with her, because of the slurring.

Please send Bad Luck Barbie some good karma, so that maybe, just  maybe, she can turn into Good Luck Barbie. Or, maybe even Average Luck Barbie.

Gals (and, guys?), my tongue is still very swollen, I can not stop thinking about it. So, rather than make you all listen to me complain about it, I’m just going to do a giveaway instead. Okay with you?

So, as I’ve mentioned before, my favorite gal and BlogHer roommate Carly has an Etsy Shoppe (yes, it’s a SHOPPE) in which she makes darling business card holders. So, for this giveaway, I’m giving you this:

How do you win, you ask? Leave a comment on this post between now and tomorrow at midnight, my time. And, I’ll draw a lucky winner. If you want an extra entry? Post this giveaway on your blog, and come back and let me know you did.

And, if you just want to make me feel better? Tell me how much you love my new hair:

That really won’t help you win, but it will help me to feel better about my tongue, that is currently the size of Texas.

This will be a short post today my dears, as I am experiencing Antibiotic Allergic Reaction #2, complete with swollen tongue and slurred speech! If you know me in real life, and need a laugh, I suggest you call me, because once you hear my voice, you’ll be rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter. I’ll be crying, because my doctor has placed me on the BRAT diet for some damn reason. So far, I’ve substitued a croissant for toast and a caramel apple spice from Starbucks for applesauce. Awesome! 

On to the recap:

Okay, okay. I GET IT. You love music. You play the clarinet. You sing opera. You play the piano. FANTASTIC. You know what, though? It’s freaking boring to watch.

My first concern is, that many of these girls have never heard of this program, The Bachelor. They don’t seem to realize that he is going to be interacting with MANY other girls. I’m talking to you, SHAYNE.  Shayne annoys me for several reasons. First of all, she calls herself an actress. Thank you SO MUCH She Likes Purple, for looking her up on IMDB. Red Bikini Girl? Really, sweetie?

Secondly, I’d like to send Ashlee to my orthodontist, her teeth remind me of Jewel’s teeth. I have been cursed in that I’ve had braces three times, so I’d like everyone to at least have them once. Secondly, I’m with She Likes Purple. The “I got a rose dance” is NOT the way to make friends with the other girls.

Lastly, I was really sad to see the Church Marketing Gal go, because I was hoping at one point she’d explain just what the heck church marketing is. I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind these girls that we DO NOT cry over boys we’ve known for 13 minutes as a result of a tv show. You have fallen in like with him, at best, and we do not cry over boys that we fall in like with. Especially if they’re dating 14 other women at the same time. That is all.

My picks:

Noelle

Amanda

Annoying the hell out of me (thus I refuse to link to them):

Marshana

Shayne

Ashlee

Oh my gosh, I cannot quit this show. Now, I did momentarily quit The Bachelor last season because I found Brad to be quite the opposite of “The Sexiest Bachelor Ever,” and instead, “The Most Repulsive Bachelor Ever.” Now, I hate to say I told you so, but I really think I was on to something when I called him a bigger tool than Lieutenant (or whatever he is nowadays) Andy. Because, really? He didn’t pick either one?

But, I’m back. And, guess what? I really think that our British Bachelor is The Sexiest Ever.  I found very few things wrong with him, which says a lot for the guy. Actually, the only thing I wrote down about him (shut up, I was taking notes) was that he didn’t really fold his jacket in a way that I prefer when he handed it to Chris before the ladies arrived (Side Note: And, that, my dear reader is why I am single, because things like that bug me to no end).

On to the ladies!

Amanda – You’ll recall that she received our First Impression Rose. I’ll recall that she was my pick for this, so much so that I put a little * next to her name.  HA!  But, I would like to point out, I really believe ABC should give us a bit more information about the career paths of these gals. I mean, Account Executive? Of what? Corporate Janitorial Services? Nickel Ads? WHAT?

Amy – Her dress was HIDEOUS, seriously. What was with the cutouts. And, the twirling? Are you 5? This must stop. Sadly, she received a rose.

Devon -  All I wrote down for her was ‘cute.’ Clearly, Matt could remember nothing about her either, because she didn’t get a rose.

Kristine -  ABC tells us that she’s 32, but I don’t think that she’s taken very good care of her skin, because she looks MUCH older. Also, dress was horrible. I feel like she got it from a Miss USA reject.  Still, he picked her.

Chelsea -  Next to her I wrote NO ARM WRESTLING. I just don’t think it’s ladylike. There, I said it. He apparently liked it though, cause she got a rose.

Erin H -  Um, placeholder ring? LAME. Still, she’s pretty, even if her hair and her dress were the EXACT same color. She made it on through.

Kelly -  I wrote Ugly Dress, Lame Comment. I have no idea what this means. But, she charmed Matt.

Rebecca – Sad, sad, sad. How cute was Rebecca’s dress? Matt hates cute dresses, so he didn’t give her a rose.

Denise – I found her dress to be of the um, maternity variety.  Matt may have also thought she was knocked up, and didn’t pick her.

Erin - Wait? She’s a Hot Dog Vendor? I don’t get it. Matt apparently does.

Robin – I like Robin a lot, but I found her dress color to be a poor choice for her coloring.  Matt is color blind, and he picked her.

Ashlee – I wrote, LAME with the kiss blowing. Also, her teeth bug me, and so did her bra straps. Matt liked her, and I politely disagree with him.

NOTE – Here is the part where I began putting my makeup on for church and started caring less about my note taking. I apologize in advance. It will NOT happen again.

Michelle – Cute! And, he picked her.

Shayne – Fake, fake, fake. And, dude, Renegade is her dad? That is unfortunate. But, Matt is a big fan of Renegade, so he picked her.

Marshana – I love a girl who makes her own clothes, but perhaps next time she should make some different clothes. Also, I could have done without the jewels on her head.  But, she got a rose.

Amanda - 80s Dress, UGLY (I think I was referring to the dress)

Tamara – Cute hair, cute dress. Matt again, hates cute dresses.

Holly – Cute girl, but is it weird that a children’s book author has a big fake rack? Matt picked her, no comment.

Tiffany – NO (that is seriously all I wrote)

Carrie – Cute girl, but what the heck is Church Marketing? As a marketer, I feel as though I should know this.

Stacey - First of all, I feel horrible that this um, girl, is situated in my recap between two wholesome girls.  I really don’t even know where to begin. First of all, if I were the type of girl who would put her panties in someone’s pocket (WHICH I AM NOT), I would first make sure that they were (a) cute, and (b) not large looking. Secondly honey, you would want to see the ocean if you went to London? Let me know how that works out for you. And, although, I could go ON AND ON, I was actually surprised that you were even at the rose ceremony, as I’m pretty sure I saw you passed out on a twin bed with no linens on it. Good place for you.

Lesly – She’s a Youth Minister. She really has NO place on this show. Matt agrees.

Michelle – All I wrote is that she’s 33. People, I have no problem with this. I am just not one to date younger boys, so I made note of this. She did not get a rose.

Noelle – I like her a lot, and can see her going quite far. And, I love her name. So does Matt.

And, that my dears, is it for this week. My next recap will be much more timely, I promise. Now, I’m not the only one still watching this trash, am I?

People, you do not want to know what’s going on over here. I went to the doctor for my “cold” that had not gone away, only to find that it was actually a sinus infection. Antibiotics prescribed, easy enough, right? WRONG! I’m allergic to the antibiotic, and have had a REACTION. A rather unfortunate one. So, please know I will be spending my Easter Weekend right here in this apartment. Send Gatorade.

But, you don’t want to hear about that. You want to hear about what happened to me during the earthquake that hit Portland in 2001.

Picture it: I am 22 years old. Maybe I was 23. Who knows. Anyway, I am a student at Portland State University. I’m studying Marketing. On, this day, I actually didn’t have school. On this day, I had an appointment for my annual lady exam. So, as many of you know, you can get SUPER CHEAP health services through your trusty Student Health Center (SHC). I headed to my appointment in the trusty (OR IS IT?) SHC. At this time, PSU’s health center was located in the basement of Neuberger Hall. This made the whole thing more scary.

Now, I arrive to my appointment (early I am sure, because I am that girl). I’m called back to the exam room and put my fashionable paper gown on. Opening in the front! The doctor comes in, begins the procedure, AND, the building begins to shake. We’re having an earthquake and I’m wearing a damn paper gown and I’m in STIRRUPS.

I threw my clothes on and fled the building. The worst part? I had to come back the next week and have it redone. No earthquake that time, however. The thing is? The story SPREAD like wild fire. So much for Doctor -Patient Confidentiality (or, it may have been my big fat mouth). In fact, when I graduated and got myself a real doctor, I told her the story and she said, “That was YOU!”

Only me, right?