My 30th birthday is in just two months and 10 days (December 10th, people) and I’m totally going to take advantage of Lupron Rhi and just put it out there that I’m really sick of receiving the following items for my birthday:

• Anything purchased at the dollar store. Unless you are my 4 year old niece. She tends to pick out things I like.
• Picture frames. Especially if they are of the oak variety. Oak gives me hives.
• Lotion, except if you KNOW it’s a kind that I like. I have delicate, downy skin. My delicate downy skin only likes certain lotions. And, those lotions are not found in the DOLLAR SECTION AT TARGET.
• Wineglasses, I already have all the wine glasses in the world. And, if you’re buying me wine glasses to replace the ones you already broke at my house. THAT IS NOT A GIFT.
• Yarn, unless you are a knitter yourself, you should not be buying me yarn. If you are a knitter, you’ll understand why.
• Please no more giraffe paraphenilia. Unless it’s the Giraffe Measuring Spoons from Anthro.
• No more pink appliances. I’m transitioning to stainless. One day I will hopefully live with a man, and he’ll not love my pink appliances.

Instead, here’s what I’d like:

• Huggable Hangers, I think I need about 200 of them. For reals. (Mom, I’m looking at you, I know you have a stack of 20% off coupons for Linens and Things).
• Vodka. I like Vox, but I’m open to other brands.
• Wine. I like Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris. I also like Prosecco.
• I seem to be taking a lot of cold showers these days. This would be lovely for when I get out of the shower.
• I have had this starred in my Google Reader for 25 years now. But, because I have a RIDICULOUSLY long torso, this would be a perfect way for me to wear my Kiss Me I’m A Duck T-Shirt without my midriff hanging out. (*Note, that is not me in the photo, that is my former dorm-mate, BUT I HAVE THE SAME SHIRT).
• I like J.Crew. I wear a size 8, a size M, and a Size 11 in shoes. I look good in Pink, Purple, and Green.
• I like Etsy. My favorites are here.
• I have nowhere to put my sugar. This would do the trick.
• Nothing would make me happier than having this necklace in every color.
• I really need this overnight bag. I had to bring TWO SMALL overnight bags for last weekend, that is unacceptable.
• Oh, MOM? If you’re not going to give me back my brown Kate Spade bag? You can just replace it with this one.
• If you’re in a romantic relationship with me, please ask, I have a separate list for each of you.

I reserve the right to edit this list at anytime. And, I will.

From the oh so helpful Patient Pointers brochure my doctor gave me:

If you experience hot flashes, you should:

• try to identify triggers that cause you to have more hot flashes and avoid them. Some common triggers are spicy food, alcohol, caffeine, smoking, and stress.
• use light makeup and waterproof mascara
• hot flashes are an indication that the drug is working!

Do you know what I have to say about that? I’m supposed to avoid my 3 favorite things (caffeine, spicy food and alcohol)? AND, while I’m avoiding the things that make me happy?  I have to look ugly (light makeup = ugly).

Well, Shit.

Anyway, our Romantic! Weekend! Away! was lovely. I was okay hot flash wise for the most part, unless we were riding in the car. We drove my car, because I drive an automatic (also, because Lupron Rhi says my car is nicer). So, we were at the beach, which in the Pacific Northwest = BRRR! Hope you brought a sweater! I was fine outside, but the second we were in the car for oh, more than 5 minutes, my head would become extremely hot, my forehead would begin sweating, then my stomach. And, then I’d start frantically tearing clothes off (WHILE DRIVING) and frantically turning the air on my side of the car up to HIGH. For the record, the coolest temperature that my car will go to is 58 degrees. This is not cool enough.

Thankfully, my fine European automobile is equipped with dual climate control. So, while I’ve created a North Pole-like environment on my side of the car, the boy is still sitting in a perfect 68 degree environment for him. I’m not completely convinced that his warm air knows how to stay on his side of the car, but I’ll be conducting a study on this. I’ll present my findings later this week.

Now, I’m off to price cars with air conditioned seats. I have a feeling my heated seats will be getting no love this winter.

• In 7 short hours, the boy and I are departing for a lovely weekend on the Washington Coast. Word around the campfire is there is NO CELL SERVICE where we are going. Which means no Twitter, no email, NOTHING. Please look after the internet for me.
• We’re staying at a pretty bed and breakfast and my boyfriend is the best ever in that he booked us in A PINK ROOM!
• Also, I have a lovely wardrobe picked out for the weekend. You may see it here. And, here.
• My good friend, the oral yeast infection has returned for a visit. She does EVERY time I’m go on antibiotics. If you need a laugh, you can call me on the phone. I sound like a reject. Carrisa has already made the vagisil lozenge joke, and she made the brush your teeth with monistat joke last time. SO SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE.
• Last night, Nic introduced me to the wonder that is Milly. All I have to say is Hello, Lover. Goodbye Savings Account. I should totally have this dress. RIGHT?
• Do you want to see me make an ass out of myself? CLICK HERE.
• Did you know that I have cable again. BECAUSE I DO. Oh, Tori and Dean, how I’ve missed you two jackasses.
• Also, I began Shredding last week. Holy cow. I’m in pretty good shape, and I work out with my trainer twice a week, and that 20 minutes? KICKED MY ASS.
• I’d also like to apologize to my downstairs neighbor for all the jumping jacks I’ve been doing. Consider it payback for your snot nosed children running up and down the stairs. (Seriously, had I known there were children in my building, I’d have rented elsewhere).
• My OMG, I was just diagnosed with Endometriosis and now I’m 29 and in Medical Menopause Shoes arrived. You may gaze upon their beauty here.

That is all. Enjoy your weekend, pretties!

First of all, I’d like to share with you something that I read in the paperwork they gave me after my shot yesterday.

“Your body will be in a pseudo-menopausal state which may affect your mood. Realize that naturally occurring menopause occurs gradually over months or years, but this drug induces a menopausal state in a period of days, so you may experience temporary shifts in mood.”

A PERIOD OF DAYS!?!?

Well, I consider myself to be um, advanced in many areas. So, I of course am blaming my foul mood this morning on the Lupron, ALREADY.

So, here I give you my first of what I’m sure will be MANY installments of “You know what annoys me?” This installment will focus specifically on Email.

Now, for background, many of you may know that I’m an online marketer in real life. I’ve been working in this field for the better part of 8 years. Most of those 8 years were spent focusing on EMAIL MARKETING. I am good at this, y’all.  Anyway, I just thought I’d throw that in there because I like to pat myself on the back a whole lot. You should know this by now.

So, if you plan on sending me an email – be it personal, professional, or of the marketing sort, please first refer to this list.

• A subject line is absolutely necessary.
• How about you DON’T forward me the deal that says that I’m a special friend to you, and if I don’t send the email back to you then you’ll know what that says about our frienship. Do you know what it says to  me about our friendship if you forward me that crap? That you don’t care enough about me to send me an actual, personal email. SO THERE.
• Okay, say you get an email from your friend and she’s all, “Let’s meet up at The Raccoon Lodge for happy hour after work!” and you see that not only has she invited you, but she’s also invited Sally, Marsha, and Gertrude, as well as a bunch of girls you don’t know? Don’t reply ALL to that email saying you’d love to join because you love the Raspberry Wheat at Raccoon Lodge,  but well, your cat has indigestion and you really need to be home with her. Because chances are, one of the girls who you don’t know is me and she has a tendency to hold a grudge. And, next time you do make it to happy hour at Raccoon Lodge, I’ll have had one too many Raspberry Wheats and I’ll bring your poor emailing up.
• Say you own a small business and you’ve just started to develop an email marketing program. I’m a fan of your small business, perhaps I enjoy buying yarn at your fine store, so I sign up to be on your list. Because coupons are promised and I’m pretty much a coupon whore, okay, I do NOT NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE THAN TWICE A MONTH. Twice or thrice a week emails are not appreciated, especially when they’ve NEVER contained the coupons you promised me. I know RIGHT where the unsubscribe button is and I’m not afraid to use it. Except, you’ve never heard of CAN-SPAM, so you don’t have an unsubscribe button. Well, I also know where the ‘MARK AS SPAM’ button is in Gmail AND Outlook.
• Oh, and, my name? It’s spelled R-H-I-A-N-N-O-N not Rihiannon, not Rohannon, not Ree (although, Ree? is lovely, but that’s her name, not mine). If in the first line of your email my name is misspelled, I will not respond to you.
• OH! OH! If you send me an email to fill me in on things, but do not ask me for input in any way in that email, I will not respond. You are not allowed to be huffy about this. I get hundreds and hundreds of email per day (work and personal) and I can’t respond to them all. If you want a response, ask for one.
• Please do not EVER, EVER, EVER give your mother my email address. I’ve had ONE too many conspiracy theory/urban legend/evangelical emails from her. No, I do not believe that I should run down and take all my money out of the bank. Nor do I believe anything else your mom sends me. EVER.
• And, finally, J.Crew, I’m mainly talking to you. If you send me an email apologizing for your website being down for OH, EVER. That email better include a damn coupon code.

That is all.

On my lunch hour tomorrow, I’ll be receiving the shot that will put me into menopause for the next six months. I thought I’d warn you because word around the campfire is, I might get a little emotional.

Nic and I were IM’ing the other day and she suggested that I sign emails, blog posts, etc. during my emotional times as “Lupron Rhi” so that my peeps know that it’s not really the Rhi that you know and hopefully love, but instead my hot-flashy, bloated, pizza-faced counterpart.

If you meet Lupron Rhi in person, she’ll most likely have a scowl on her face. If you see her with her boyfriend, he’ll probably have a scowl on his face too, because apparently this shot affects, um, desires. If you know what I mean (I think you do). She also will probably be fanning herself, so it’s a really good thing that I found a little paper fan in one of my Grandma’s dresser drawers yesterday. It had a little sticker on it, which I think means, “Save for Rhiannon, she’ll need it.”

I also have a sneaking suspicion that Lupron Rhi will cancel the moratorium on shopping. Who am I to argue with her? If I’m going through menopause, albeit temporarily, at 29, I NEED MY SHOPPING. Plus, I’ll be saving $30 a month on birth control and at least $6 a month on feminine products. SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT (never mind that the shot is uber spendy, I make the rules around here!)

So, please bear with me the next few months. If this works, I’ll be pain free and when the time comes, I’ll let you hold my baby. But, only if your hands are clean.