Alternate Title: We’re never eating at a restaurant with crayons again

One thing I recently discovered about my boyfriend is that he will not eat a SINGLE THING that is past the sell by date. It’s a good policy, in theory, I guess. But, DAMNIT, if I want a salad and my white cheddar chive vinaigrette is two days past its sell by date? I’m eating it. Sure, if it’s a week or two, I’m not taking my chances. But TWO DAYS? So, I’ve been forced to throw out MANY items, against my will, that were barely expired upon the insistence of my beloved.

I’m sure you know this, but one of my hobbies is picking on people that I love. Actually, picking on everybody is a hobby of mine. But, I only pick on those that I truly like to their face. So, on Friday, while out to dinner with my boy and his twin brother, the topic of fear of expired food products came up. I’m sure I said something about being owed several salad dressings (although he recently did bring over new dijon mustard for a recipe we made). Anyway, at some point, the boy mentioned that he would not even eat something that came in a dented can. To which I exclaimed, “Old Wives Tale!”

And, he responded with the above picture. I really don’t know what else to say. Except that I’d like to apologize to the women at the table nex to us, who by the looks of them, had most likely experienced a Botox treatment or ten. Because, of course the artist was also narrating his progress on his, um, masterpiece. Also, we don’t normally dine at restaurants with paper covering the tables. But, this place is actually good. I just get the feeling we’re not welcome there anymore.

But really, I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. I love this man.

Last week, I read a post of Margalit’s on menopause. Seven months ago, I would have skipped over the post, perhaps wrinkling my nose while telling myself, “Thank GOD that’s decades away for me!”

HA.

Instead, I found myself nodding along to most of the symptoms she mentioned. The hot flashes, the night sweats, the increased abdominal fat, I have them all. But, while most women take years to slip into menopause, it happened for me in a matter of days.

But, it’s over, almost. On April 1, I’ll start taking birth control pills again and I’ll wait patiently for my body to get back to normal. I look forward to remembering what normal is.

I look forward to not waking up twice a night in a pool of my own sweat. I’m hopeful that the extra chub on my tummy will disappear (although, sadly, I think I’ll have to work at that). I’m excited for my skin to clear up. I’m thrilled that I can put this all behind me.

Until things get back to normal, I must warn you. The hot flashes have doubled, and if there’s one thing Lupron Rhi hates? It’s having her hair ruined by a sweaty head. So, the pissy mood? It’s here for a while. But, I know you all have a soft spot in your heart for Lupron Rhi.

Okay, seriously. Are you freaking kidding me with the Twilight movie?

I tried, you guys, I TRIED. My dear Carrisa sent me the first Twilight book right before my surgery last summer (note: many people will give you gifts if you have surgery, not that gifts are a reason to have surgery).  Anyway, it took me four months to read this book. FOUR MONTHS. Now, I’ve been known to finish a book on a 3 hour flight, so, this is very unlike me.

Anyway, it’s not that I hated the book. I liked the story line. And, I actually like vampires. Well, I prefer zombies. But, this lady? She cannot write her way out of a paper bag. It took massive amounts of willpower to not grab my red pen and copy edit the hell out of that book. In November, I began the second book on a flight home from Rhode Island. I haven’t picked it up since I returned home. I just can’t do it.

I suppose it’s no surprise then how ridiculous I found the movie to be. The boy and I decided to watch it last night after a fun day of cooking (roast chicken and French green lentils, if you’re curious). On several occasions, I grabbed the remote, pressed pause, and said, “Are you freaking kidding me?” (although I may have used a different word in place of ‘freaking’).

So, my thoughts,  in bullet form, of course:

• Now, I know Dr. Cullen is supposed to be young, but I think they could have PERHAPS found an actor who at least looks to be in his 40s.
• You know what Edward’s sparkling skin reminds me of? It reminds me of this one time, when I was in my early twenties, and we all decided it would be a great idea to buy body glitter at Frederick’s of Hollywood. Glow in the dark body glitter, mind you. I bought purple. They must not have had pink.
• I was really considering buying a Volvo C30. I can no longer do this as I don’t want to be the girl who bought the car that was in Twilight. I’ll have to trade my vandalized car in for something else.
• I didn’t find the vampires to be all that pale. I mean, have you seen me? I’m really freaking pale. Also, when my lips are chapped, they get that red.

So, there you have it. I think the movie was terrible. My $5 was not entirely wasted (although, seriously Comcast? $5?), as it was fun to see my beautiful state in the movie. But, I can say with confidence, I will not be watching this movie again. Ever. As for the book, I’m going to read several intelligent books (currently, The Wordy Shipmates) and then try to pick it up again, perhaps with my red pen in hand.

Disclaimer: I know a lot of people LOVE these books. I’m not insulting you. I wanted to love them. It just didn’t work out that way. You can go on loving these books, and I’ll go on making fun of them. Okay?

At some point in the last week, some poor excuse for a human being SCRAPED THE PAINT off the Saab emblem on the back of my car. Can you let me know what I could have done to deserve this? Is it because I drive a nice car? Did it make this person feel less jealous to vandalize my vehicle?

• Welcome to my blog, where once a week is good enough.
• But, today, I am off work and I’m taking some time out of watching reality TV and reading In Style Magazine to actually type some words.
• You’re welcome.
• This week has been eventful in that I rode in a car ALMOST all the way to California with 3 coworkers.
• Here’s the thing – I like my coworkers, so it wasn’t bad at all.
• You might recall another instance in which I rode to Bend in a car with 3 former coworkers (including my boss) and it was NOT DELIGHTFUL.
• Anyway, this was not my first visit to the Southern Oregon Coast, but it was my first visit as an adult, and I must tell you that it is quite lovely.
• My last visit there was when I was approximately 15 years old, and even if I did have a good time, there was no way in hell I was going to let anybody know. I didn’t want to encourage any future road trips.
• I returned home Tuesday evening to find that my cat had emptied the contents of her bladder pretty much EVERYWHERE except her litter box.
• To say I am upset with her is an understatement. Of course, now that I am home, she’s miraculously remembered where it is she’s supposed to go potty.
• Yesterday morning, I woke up with those guys from the Mucinex commercial living in my body. I do not care for them.
• It is now two hours from the time I started writing this post. How freaking hard is it to write bullets, Rhiannon?
• I’m getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am about this.
• My hair strategy for the past 6 months has been to keep it off my neck, because that is where the hot flashes begin.
• BUT, now that I’m ending my Lupron treatment, I’m wondering if I should a) cut it back into a bob or b) continue growing it out. Thoughts?
• Other than that, I’ll be buying dress slacks and hopefully drinking wine and eating yummy food.
• Enjoy your weekend, friends!