I’ve had a hunch about this for quite some time, but I’ve spent some time gathering facts and now I’m quite positive that I’m right.

Here goes: J.Crew’s Wedding Coordinator, “ASHLEY,” does not in fact exist.

FACT 1: When I emailed “ASHLEY” to inquire about what dresses they might have at the J.Crew Michigan Avenue store, I received a response from not “ASHLEY” but, instead, a nice gal named Lauren.

(Aside: I find it hilarious that when I just searched for J.Crew in Gmail for the email in question, it said, “1-20 of hundreds”)

FACT 2: When I ordered my wedding dress this past week, I received the following email from “ASHLEY” at 9:43 p.m. Pacific Time:

My name is Ashley.  I am excited that you have chosen to order from our weddings and parties collection.  We have an entire team of dedicated specialists available to assist with all your special occasions needs.

Should you require further assistance with your order, we invite you to contact any one of our dedicated specialists for assistance.  We can be reached at 1-800-205-3877.

Best,

Ashley

FACT 3: I emailed “ASHLEY” last week to inquire about fabric swatches for my bridesmaids dresses. Side note: I’m allowing my bridesmaids to select their own dresses so long as they are black, matte, free of any lace or beading and tea length, but maybe I already told you this. Anyway, I’d like to have a swatch of fabric to show them so that they select accordingly.

Yet again, I receive a response from the wonderful Lauren. I’m really starting to like this Lauren girl and I think it’s sad that Ashley is stealing all of her thunder when she is clearly the one doing all the work. The one email I did receive from “ASHLEY” was clearly transactional and probably written by Lauren.

I’m not giving up on this until I have some real proof. Tell me, what should I ask “ASHLEY” next?

*Yes, this really is all I can come up with right now. The winter sads have set in and quite frankly, I’d rather be in bed watching Style Network.

Saturday night I had this Grand Plan to eat a delicious burger at Stanich’s while drinking PBR and watching the Oregon/Arizona Game. I thought about this burger all day and looked forward to 6 o’clock when I’d be sinking my teeth into it.

Instead, I was forced to accompany the boy and his twin up to our favorite local wine bar for the finals of the super prestigious Yahtzee tournament. They both found themselves in the finals after weeks of qualifying rounds. The boy was in for having the most wins, and his twin was in for having the most losses.

Aside: I was actually very, very scared that they were both in this tournament. These two are 38 years old and yet they bicker like the are 5 year olds. I knew that there was a good chance that one of them would win the entire tournament and then hold it over the other one’s head until next year.

Anyway, assuming that I’d be able to relax while they both played in the tournament, I ordered a glass of bubbly and removed my book from my purse and was ready to experience France with Julia Child. Tournament time came and only 5 of the 6 competitors had arrived I was asked to sit in for the no-show. Eager for a chance to take bragging rights from the boys, I agreed.

There were 2 tables of 3 players. The first player to win 2 games would advance to the second round. I sat at a table with two other women and very quickly noticed that I wasn’t quite welcome at this table. I’m not sure what made me think this, but it might have been the “This bitch is a ringer,” comment or the, “You’re not even supposed to be here,” comment from the bitter girl who apparently takes dice game WAY too seriously.

To make a long story (which is still super long) a teeny bit shorter, I won the round with bitter girl and went on to play in the finals against guess who? No, not the boy. That would have been too rich and too heartbreaking of a loss for him. I went on to play the twin. At this point, I decided I was really quite done with playing Yahtzee and turned my strategy to, “Get this done as soon as possible!” And, I rolled those dice with minimum effort (I needed to save my energy for my champagne) and after 3 games, I was crowned (with no actual crown, HMMPH!) the Yahtzee Champion.

Now, if you know me, you’ll know that I LOVE to win. But, these girls who did not win? They scare me. Seriously, over the next hour that we sat there, I was called a bitch more than 10 times (I was playing nice and pretended I didn’t hear them), they insulted the champagne I was drinking (“We only drink Veuve!” LISTEN HERE OLD MAIDS (what? they were complaining about being in their late 30s and being single) Veuve is NOT THAT GOOD, you just think it sounds fancy because the Kardashians drink it), and just basically made it known to whoever would listen that I did NOT deserve my win. I’m quite scared that I’ll either have the tires of my car slashed or they’ll slip some sort of roofie in my “tacky” champagne next time I run into them.

Actually, if we do run into them again, I hope they do mention it, because I’ve thought of AT LEAST 20 witty/snarky things to say to Sore Loser Girls. The options are endless!

And, that is the story of how I became Champion of a really ridiculous dice game. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like my congratulation dinner to be at Stanich’s.

18 months after a super painful surgery, and 6 months after a pretty freaking horrific course of Lupron treatments, I’m super excited to tell you guys that I am COMPLETELY CYST FREE!

This means, no surgeries for the foreseeable future and also NO MORE LUPRON.

Thank you all for listening to me whine…

xoxoxo

Healthy Uterus Rhi

As far away as my wedding is, I’m quite proud of the things we’ve been able to accomplish thus far. I take great pride in marking the little tasks on TheKnot.com as DONE. But, for as much as we’ve been able to accomplish, there’s obviously still so much to be done. So, I thought I’d periodically provide a little update as to what’s going on in the world of Rhiannon’s Noveau Riche Wedding.

*Title courtesy of the lovely Pippi who came over here to rain on my parade a few days ago. I can only assume that someone peed in Pippi’s Cheerios, as the comment she left was very rude and actually hurt my feelings. Thank you, Pippi!

Date: Saturday, August 28, 2010

Time: 5:30 p.m.

Venue: The Gerding Theatre at the Armory

Colors: Pink and Grass Green

Theme: Oregon Bounty. (kidding, sort of). It’s really important to both the boy and I to have local, sustainable products at our wedding. So, all the food will be local and all the beer, wine and spirits will be local.

Attendants: 4 (going with the traditional 1 attendant for every 50 guests). I’ve not yet asked all my attendants to be in the wedding yet, so I’ll not say who they are just yet.

Guests: If you do the math, that makes 200 guests.

Flower Girls: My young nieces Angelina (6) and Riley (2)

Ring Bearer: My step-nephew Christian (6)

Photographer: I’m excited, excited, excited to have the wonderful Ashley Forrette on board to do our engagement photos and the wedding. YAY!

Catering: Waiting on some more proposals. I will say I love what I saw in the first proposal. Oil poached tuna on endive? YES, PLEASE.

Dress: Picked out. I’ve shown a few people the dress but I’m not sure that I want to show anyone else. I’d really like it to be a big surprise. It’s J.Crew, so if you feel like it you can go over there and guess.

Attendants’ Dresses: I’ll be allowing my girls to pick their own dresses. I’d like them to be black matte, tea-length and sleeveless or strapless. I really would like them to have something they’ll wear again, and if they pick it out, then there’s a much higher chance of that.  I’ll pick out shoes to match my wedding colors for each of them.

What we’ll not be doing: I’ve known for quite some time that I didn’t want to do the garter toss. I (a) find it to be kind of a crass tradition (throwing something that was on my thigh? No thank you) and (b) I really don’t feel like a garter will go well underneath my dress. BUT, after attending a wedding last night and experiencing a huge wave of relief when I realized that I was no longer required to try and catch the bouquet, I decided that we’ll not be doing this either.

We’ll also not be giving a wedding favor (though I do have the best wedding favor idea ever and I reserve the right to change my mind on this). But, I’ve heard from several people that these often get left behind and I know that when I get home from a wedding with a favor I never know what to do with it. And, then I feel like I can’t put it into the Goodwill pile because it came from someone’s wedding. So, no favor.

One thing that I do love is the idea that in lieu of a favor we give a donation of whatever we would have spent on said favors to a local charity. This is probably what I’ll do. So, instead of your shot glass or jordan almonds, you can leave with a happy heart.

What we are doing: I spent a good part of my flight to Chicago last week hand selecting songs to be played during the ceremony/reception. I also spent a good part of my flight selecting songs that WILL NOT be played at my reception. I love the idea of a Do Not Play List. I’m looking at you, Kool and the Gang. Music is something that is important to me and I’d really like to have control over what is played. Also, I have a severe allergy to most music played on Top 40 radio, and I’d like to ensure that it’s not played at my wedding. (Bridezilla-ish? PERHAPS, but I do not care).

We’re also planning on having the very shortest ceremony ever. We’re having two short readings, perhaps a prayer, and of course the vows. We’d just really like to get to the part where all of our guests have a great time.

So…that’s it for now. We’re going to an Eco-Friendly wedding show on Saturday and we’ll hopefully start hearing back from some more caterers!

• PW’s Sherried Tomato Soup – I made this soup about a week ago, froze half of it and then ate the rest of it for the next several days. I’ve since taken frozen soup out of the freezer and am eating it again. It’s the best soup ever.
• My new driving moccasins, which I purchased at J.Crew in Chicago after trying on bridal gowns with Kristabella. (seriously, I’ve been looking for the perfect pair for a year.
• My closet, which has been recently entirely made over thanks to my Mom. (Huggable Hangers, you guys, GET THEM).
• The Etsy wedding section. So many lovely things (like this, this and also this). We’ll not discuss the not lovely things I’ve been running across.
• This photo of my encounter with a guy I like to call “Geriatric Clay Aiken.”
• My future wedding bouquet. Especially if I can have some brooches that I have of my Grandmother’s added.
• Sleep, seriously.
• Cava Noir. So inexpensive and so delicious.
• Google Waving with Kristabella and Nic. I’m pretty sure we’re not doing it right, but the second Nic put a poll asking, “Should Rhiannon’s bridesmaids carry parasols?” I was instantly in love with this marvelous tool.
• The CBS program, “The Good Wife.” CHRIS NOTH, YOU GUYS.
• Brussels Sprouts. I’m trying this recipe this weekend.

So, what can’t you get enough of?