Probably an unpopular opinion, but I’m generally annoyed to hear, “Good Riddance 2009!” or, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, March!” Days, months and years are not bad or good to you. Bad things may happen to a person in a particular period of time, but I think we can all agree that a day, month or year is not to blame for bad luck. I’ve read several tweets/posts/Facebook statuses today that have said these things and I just need for 2009 to know, I’m not mad at you, and I think you’re getting a bad rap.

This was a pretty big year for me – I said goodbye to a job where my experience and talent was not respected and said hello to a job where I’m appreciated and challenged everyday.  It’s hard to believe that in just 3 short weeks, I’ll have been in my current position for a year. Time flies when you don’t totally hate your job. And, of course, in perhaps the biggest news of the year:  on September 20, 2009, a wonderful man asked me to be his wife.

I’m excited for 2010. This will be the year that I become a homeowner, get married, finally travel to Europe, and work on starting a family. This will also hopefully be the year in which I get a totally awesome new car (kidding, sort of.) I’m really not a fan of making resolutions but I definitely have some things that I’d like to work on, so here goes:

Friendship has been a big struggle for me this year and I’d really like to start looking critically at the friendships that have caused me pain and annoyance and decide if these are really people I’d like to have in my life. At 31 years old, I’ve finally realized that being friends with someone “forever” is not a good enough reason to keep being friends with that person if they are toxic.

I pushed myself physically this year by changing the way I eat and by beginning a running routine. Unfortunately, I abandoned both of those things after my vacation, but I’m back on the saddle and have actually seen the inside of a gym several times this December.

This year, I’d like to reacquaint myself with this here blog. If you even know a little bit about what I do for a living, you know that I’m immersed in social media all the live long day. Turns out, it’s nice to have a little break from it in the evenings. I hope to find a routine that I’m comfortable with and thus begin posting more in the near future.

I made great strides in getting out of debt this year. I would have been DEBT FREE today (NOT counting student & car loans), but because of some silly rule payday is not until Monday, so that very last bill will have to wait until then. Thus making 2010 the year I get out of debt.

So, there you have it. 2009, it was nice to have met you and 2010, I look forward to making your acquaintance very, very soon.

Today, I spent 6 and a half hours in the car. Where did I go, you ask? Oh, just to work and back. JUST TO WORK AND BACK.

I’ve mentioned that I work about 45 miles away from where I live, in Salem, which is Oregon’s capitol. The bad thing about the commute is that it takes about an hour. The good thing about the commute is that I have many coworkers to carpool with.

So, picture it: It’s lunchtime, and we’ve taken a lunchtime field trip to Kohl’s (I had $10 in Kohls Cash and I could not find a single thing in that store I wanted. I ended up with tights and trouser socks). We left the store and were excited to see HUGE! FLUFFY! SNOWFLAKES! falling from the sky. We decide it might be a good idea to leave early.

Back at work, the plan is made to leave at 3:30. We think this will put us at the Park & Ride at 4:30 (HA!) and get everyone home just about the time it’s getting dark (HA!).

Here’s what actually happened. We get on the freeway about 3:45ish. Traffic is going about 40 mph, which I’m okay with (I drove)…until we hit Woodburn (home of giant outlet mall). Traffic STOPS at Woodburn at about 4:30.  (This photographic evidence says that it was 4:36 when traffic stopped). I’m too lazy to look it up, but I’ll guess that Woodburn is about 20 miles from Portland. Do you want to know how long it took us to go those 20 miles?

FOUR EFFING HOURS, THAT IS HOW LONG!

Thank goodness for funny coworkers, heated seats, the new Pink Martini cd, and hilarious car games. If it weren’t for those things, I’d surely have cried my whole way home.

When I finally got close to home, I noticed a car about the size of mine sliding down my hill backwards. I also noticed a tow truck removing a car from further up the hill. I made the VERY SMART decision to park my car at the bottom of my hill and to hike up (in J.Crew Driving Mocs) while carrying a 6 pack of beer (you totally would have stopped at the store), a large handbag and my laptop bag.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed.

Today, I turn 31 years old. Or, as I like to say, I celebrate the 3rd Anniversary of my 29th Birthday. I didn’t plan a party this year (I plan my own party every year, because I am VERY PARTICULAR) because of the winter blahs and also because planning a wedding is sucking any desire to plan any event in the near future out of me.

Instead, today I’ll celebrate quietly with a lovely dinner with my boy and then tomorrow we’re hopping the train to Seattle for a fun-filled birthday weekend!

Oh, and news flash? 31 feels the exact same as 30, which coincidentally felt the exact same as 29. So, there you have it.

First of all, if I had any idea how much better I’d feel by just admitting how I’ve been feeling, I would have done it a long time ago. I’ve said to Bill a few times that I wasn’t feeling quite myself, or that I was down, or that I thought I had a case of the winter sads, but I’d never really admitted to him the extent of it.

So, yesterday I did. And, yesterday we made a plan. I’m going to start taking the supplements I was taking that were working well from The Mood Cure and if those don’t work then, in a few weeks, I’ll make a doctor’s appointment. And, by doctor, I might mean Naturopath. Before we hung up the phone he said four words that made me smile (and maybe cry a little bit). Those four words? “We’re a team now.”

I’m also making some rules for myself. When Bill’s traveling, I have a tendency to go to bed SUPER early because I’m bored. From now on, I’m not allowed to get in bed before 9 p.m. If I’m bored, I’ll find a household chore to do, pick up my knitting, or I don’t know, maybe write on this blog. I will eat dinner every night*, a dinner consisting of a protein, a vegetable and a grain. No drinking at home on school nights (I’ve been doing pretty good with this rule, but I sometimes break it). My best is good enough, and thinking something is not good enough is not an excuse for not completing a task (I’ve had a gift sitting on my dining room table for weeks now that I wouldn’t mail because I thought it wasn’t good enough). There are some other rules about not beating myself up, not comparing myself to others and working out, but I’ll just keep those to myself.

Most importantly, I’m going to stop feeling ashamed of feeling this way. The comments from my previous post reiterated what I already know – it’s okay to be sad, and I’m not alone. So, thank you all for reminding me of that.

*I don’t want you guys to think I’ve not been eating, because I do eat at least 3 meals a day. It’s just that sometimes my evening meal consists of asparagus. And, nothing else.

I haven’t been here in a while. I should be so happy right now. I mean, I’m getting married. And, I’m happy about that. I’m so happy about that. I’m happy when I’m with Bill. My anxiety stays away and I don’t want to crawl under my covers when he’s around. But, when I’m alone or at work, all I can think about is how badly I want to be asleep. It’s not healthy for me to depend on him for my happiness, but if I could spend every waking second with him right now, I would. He’s traveling for work right now. I’m not dealing well with this.

My birthday is in 9 days, and if you know me well, you know in past years I’d have had my birthday happy hour or dinner or celebration planned for weeks now. This year, I’m just not interested. We’re going to Seattle for my birthday weekend. To spend time alone, to introduce Bill to my uncle. I should be excited, but I’m wondering if it’s too late to cancel the trip. Because what I really want for my birthday is to stay in bed.

Of course, today, it’s 5:15, I’ve been up for an hour and I’ve spent the last half hour of it crying and trying to catch Bill before he heads off for the day’s meetings. I think it’s too late. I’m in bed making deals with myself, “Okay, you HAVE to be out the door at 7:10, so you can stay in bed until 6:30, but only if you don’t wear makeup today.” I’m obsessively checking my bank account, worried really over nothing, that I won’t be able to buy Christmas presents. I have no reason to worry. So, I’m mad that I’m worrying.

I’m starving, but I don’t want to eat. I’ve been obsessed with maintaining my current weight ever since my huge H1N1 weight loss. I’m exhausted right now, but I can’t sleep. And, what difference would an hour’s worth of sleep make at this point? I’ve been off Effexor for about a year now and I think it’s time for me to admit defeat and go back on it, but I just can’t.

I don’t know what to do. I really do have a great life. I’m getting married to my favorite person in the entire world, I have an amazing job, I should be happy.