Rhi in Pink » Blog Archive

December 1, 2009 | Filed in: i get emotional

I haven’t been here in a while. I should be so happy right now. I mean, I’m getting married. And, I’m happy about that. I’m so happy about that. I’m happy when I’m with Bill. My anxiety stays away and I don’t want to crawl under my covers when he’s around. But, when I’m alone or at work, all I can think about is how badly I want to be asleep. It’s not healthy for me to depend on him for my happiness, but if I could spend every waking second with him right now, I would. He’s traveling for work right now. I’m not dealing well with this.

My birthday is in 9 days, and if you know me well, you know in past years I’d have had my birthday happy hour or dinner or celebration planned for weeks now. This year, I’m just not interested. We’re going to Seattle for my birthday weekend. To spend time alone, to introduce Bill to my uncle. I should be excited, but I’m wondering if it’s too late to cancel the trip. Because what I really want for my birthday is to stay in bed.

Of course, today, it’s 5:15, I’ve been up for an hour and I’ve spent the last half hour of it crying and trying to catch Bill before he heads off for the day’s meetings. I think it’s too late. I’m in bed making deals with myself, “Okay, you HAVE to be out the door at 7:10, so you can stay in bed until 6:30, but only if you don’t wear makeup today.” I’m obsessively checking my bank account, worried really over nothing, that I won’t be able to buy Christmas presents. I have no reason to worry. So, I’m mad that I’m worrying.

I’m starving, but I don’t want to eat. I’ve been obsessed with maintaining my current weight ever since my huge H1N1 weight loss. I’m exhausted right now, but I can’t sleep. And, what difference would an hour’s worth of sleep make at this point? I’ve been off Effexor for about a year now and I think it’s time for me to admit defeat and go back on it, but I just can’t.

I don’t know what to do. I really do have a great life. I’m getting married to my favorite person in the entire world, I have an amazing job, I should be happy.

19 Comments so far
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I really am not trying to come across as harsh/mean – but I feel like you actually do know what you need to do. You absolutely know that you have great, great things in your life and yet you are still not happy. I really hope that if you do go back on medication (if that is the right call) that you don’t look at it as admitting defeat – but rather as taking a positive step towards being healthy, like going to the dentist or drinking water. These are things you need to be healthy.

Things good thoughts for you – I know you can do it!
anne´s last blog ..Back!

Aw, sweetie. I’m sorry you feel like this. I have no practical advice, but I’ll pray for you.
bethany actually´s last blog ..rainy days make me happy

For what it’s worth I’m thinking about you. Take time for yourself and do what you have to do. You have a lot of things going on right now and planning a wedding is not an easy task. I’m happy for you and for Bill! Rest when you can, enjoy life, and do what you must to be happy!
Linda Stewart´s last blog ..I’m Thankful For

I have many thoughts on this, including “me too!” and “it isn’t admitting defeat it’s making a practical medical decision” all followed by much sanctimonious “here’s what I believe” rambling. You know, in my head. So rather than spew it all out here in your comments, I’ll just send you a virtual hug and some virtual cake :)
Erin´s last blog ..See Ya Next Year NaBloPoMo!

You obviously know where I stand on this. I’m a firm believer in taking the medicine if that’s what you need.

But I also know the fear of going back on it, depending on a pill to make you happy. And it took me being in a place like you, not being happy when you know you should be, and then subsequently hurting people I love, that made me go back on it.

Do what you need to do sweetie! It’s not admitting defeat. We’re all here for you, for whatever you need!
Kristabella´s last blog ..The Original Kristabella

I’m sorry you are feeling crumby love. I do the same thing with Taylor sometimes, depending on him to keep my spirits up, and sometimes he can. But sometimes it’s just not enough.

I was really resistant to take anything when I started getting le panics, so I understand, but if it helps.

Also, being engaged is so ridiculously stressful. Everyone thinks it’s all blissful, but I was miserable most of the time. If that makes you feel any better. Marriage is WAY better.:)

You’ll be in my prayers!
Kaleigha´s last blog ..Going a little deeper.

I go through bouts of this often, as well. The good thing is: You always come out on the other side of it.

Your post really touched me today. I’ve been in your spot (or something like your spot) and even when good things are happening, it’s still change. And change is hard, even good change. And don’t underestimate how weight loss and calorie reduction can make you feel weirdly depressed (like for real, less energy from food will make me feel like I’m freakin’ Frances Farmer.) And planning a wedding is stressful. Even a great wedding, like yours will be. I say, be kind to yourself. Don’t expect the usual invincible superwoman to emerge from the stew boiling inside of you. And better living through chemistry is always an option.

My two cents. And keep writing because I love your blog!

I agree with Kristabella.

I have been there *oh* so many times. I hate being on meds and I tried to go off them recently. It was a huge mistake for me, and I still haven’t quite straightened it all out.

I know you didn’t ask for assvice, but here’s mine. Listen to your gut. Do what it takes to get yourself happy again. You know this isn’t you. And it’s not going to be like this forever.

You’re not alone. (((hugs)))

I have been there too! You may just want to talk to your doctor and let them know how you are feeling. You are under a lot of stress, especially with planning your wedding and wanting to keep your weight down. Just make sure to take care of YOU! Lots of love and good thoughts!
jayme´s last blog ..Good Deed of the Day!

I feel for you…sometimes the “dark” just comes despite all the happiness. It is not admitting defeat if you decide to go back on the medication…it’s a chemical imbalance that is controlled with medication. Just like high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I’m thinking of you and I know that you will do whatever is right for YOU!

I’m with Kaleigha . . . being engaged is SO stressful. Be extra nice to yourself to compensate. You deserve a manicure. Or a new lipgloss. Or whatever floats your happy boat.
HollyLynne´s last blog ..Habitat for Humanity

Oh, sweetie. I get down during winter and so I get a bit of how you are feeling.

Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Tanning booth, treating yourself, whatever. I melted down today and then went for a brisk walk and felt better.

If you think you need to talk to a professional, so it. Do whatever it takes.

Love you. Mean it.
Angella´s last blog ..Nicknames

I’m sorry, Rhi. I hope things work out for the best and that you get feeling better soon.

Ugh, that sounds like you’re really struggling and I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve felt the ‘dark’ descend around this time of year too- it is such a busy time and it comes with lots of pressure to have everything be just right (holidays, birthdays). I know you’ll find a way through it, but know I’m wishing you a quick way through and lots of peace.
Erin´s last blog ..Thanksgiving Story

You know, you are just being real. It is good to get these feelings out so you aren’t bottling them up. Not everyone will understand, but that doesn’t matter. YOU know yourself and your feelings are valid. Try to take it easy and get some rest. Get some sun if you can and lots of water. :)

I’m thinking of you.

Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Local Peeps, Please Mark Your Calendars

It takes a lot to take this step to admit when you’re not feeling the best when everyone thinks you should be on top of the world. Hoping the darkness clears soon.
mjb´s last blog ..Giveaway Day

do I need to call you to wake you up. nobody lets me sleep in.and I had brain surgery 3 weeks ago. big meanies. so ya, get up, shower……get out the door.but if you need a phone call don’e hesitate to let me know.

Hi luv. I’ve been late in the game on reading, what with working 7 days a week and all, but I send love, strength, and the experience to share that joyful things can bring stress, and yes, increase the anxiety. I went on Lexapro in my 30′s, and it’s the best thing I ever did. It kept the monsters of anxiety at bay, and allows me to feel normal, regular anxiety like the rest of humanity.

Joyful things (like planning a wedding) can be stressful, and our thoughts can creep in and do massive damage. And most of the time, simply putting up a chemical door to the enablers of those thoughts can help.

SO much loce to you.
shelli´s last blog ..SO much, and SO little

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