Rhi in Pink » Blog Archive » My Wedding, My Rules

January 19, 2010 | Filed in: getting hitched

Apparently, the most asshole thing a bride and groom can do is not invite children to their wedding.

So, I’ll just go ahead and put it out there…we’re not inviting children to our wedding. I do not feel bad about this, I’m not sorry about it, and quite frankly, I shouldn’t even have to justify it.

This includes infants and toddlers, because, well, it’s my wedding and I say so. This does not include the children in our wedding, which include my two nieces (flower girls) and my step-nephew (ring bearer), also my best friend’s children who will be doing readings during the ceremony. They’ll all be leaving after dinner, however, because I want the adults to have a kid-free good time. Also, I want to play the NON-CENSORED version of DMX’s Party Up. (shut up, I love that song)

Bill and I are having a formal wedding, in a formal setting. The ceremony begins at 6 p.m., which in many instances indicates that it’s a black tie event. We’re not going quite that far, but still it’s a formal event. We have a large guest list and space is very limited. If I close my eyes and imagine my perfect wedding, the noises I hear are glasses clinking, Pink Martini playing in the background, occasional laughter…and no fussing, or crying.

And, really, for my friends? That should be enough of an explanation. Actually, that should be enough of an explanation for anyone. This is MY WEDDING. This is one day in my life when everything will truly be about me (and Bill), and I don’t want distractions there that will take away from that. Furthermore, I think it’s extremely selfish for a parent to assume that they can bring their child, of any age, to any event. Would you bring your kid to the theater? No, because likely your child isn’t allowed. And, it would be rude to the other people who paid for tickets. So, I think of like that. Bill and I are basically paying for a fancy theater evening for 200 of our friends and family. Don’t ruin it for everyone else by bringing your kid.

I will say that most of my friends and family members are totally cool with my decision. They are looking forward to a night out and understand that their kids aren’t invited everywhere. It’s just a select few that are acting like the world revolves around them. So…sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is my wedding and on this one night, the world revolves around me (and Bill).

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HIGH FIVE!

Couldn’t agree more. Good for you for putting your foot down!!

Oh my gosh, it sounds like my perfect wedding too. So beautiful. I WISH we would have had a formal wedding.

Anyway, you’re right that you don’t have to give any reason for how your wedding goes. It’s YOUR wedding. Do whatever you want!
Isabel´s last blog ..In which I don’t want to have to break up with you too

I don’t think it’s asshole-ish at all. A fancy evening wedding, it really should be understood that no kids are allowed. It’s going to be a gorgeous wedding.
Carrisa´s last blog ..this week in my life

Way to stick to what you want! We didn’t have a super formal setting, therefore our wedding was more casual (and with kids), but you have really made a great point and your guests with children should really jump at a night out for your big day!
Meaghan´s last blog ..Come Out, Come Out Whoever You Are

OH! My husband and I did the EXACT same thing for our wedding and have never regretted that decision for a second even though it meant that some people couldn’t attend. Guests don’t realize the way children change the atmosphere and, AND, that you pay per head no matter if that head is 2 feet or 6 feet off the ground. While some people were fine with this, I was met with some fantastic guilt trips. Mine came from my mother-in-law (who asked me if I had changed my mind almost every time we talked) and guests with children not wanting to make arrangements for childcare (But little Jimmy loves you guys so much! He’ll be soo sad to miss your happy day.) Even though it’s your wedding and you have every right to experience it the way you want, people take such offense as if your decision is a reflection on how you feel about them and their precious children. Stay strong and good luck!

First, I totally agree that it’s your day and you get to invite whomever you want. There is nothing wrong with choosing to invite the over-18 crowd only!

That said, this is SUCH a tricky issue. I have friends who still aren’t speaking to one another because this issue was handled poorly on both sides, which kind of makes me want to smack all the parties in question. As a parent, I would have no problem leaving my child at home and having a great time if I were invited to your wedding. However, if I were coming from out of town I would truly appreciate it if you had looked into childcare options (a babysitting service at the hotel, a teenager you know who is good with kids, etc.) and had suggestions for me. I’m not saying I would *expect* it, but it would definitely be a nice bonus. :-)
bethany actually´s last blog ..a random pretty sunset and geeky ramblingin honor of Delurking Day

All I have to say to that is HOLLER.

You should not have to even THINK about justifying yourself – it’s your damn wedding, YOU’RE the one who’s paying, YOU get to make the choice. THE END. I truly don’t understand why people think it’s such a huge, horrifying inconvenience to leave their kids at home?? Do you not appreciate having a night out with your spouse/significant other that doesn’t involve diapers and bottles and whining and general little-kid mayhem? If you honestly feel like it’s such a horrifying imposition to not be able to bring your kids… then stay home. That probably sounds harsh, but oh well. Contrary to what it might sound like, I honestly love kids – I just don’t think the necessarily belong at formal, adult events (case in point: my 5 year old cousin who was NOT in the wedding RUNNING DOWN THE AISLE in front of the bride, at another cousin’s wedding… way to kill the moment, kiddo!)

At my wedding, we didn’t invite children either – we also didn’t have little kids in our ceremony, and some people were appalled by that. The only “kids” that attended were my three nephews (who were ushers, and are 13, 15, and 17) and ONE (under-18) cousin, who is 16.

In closing: Your wedding, your decision.

In response to Bethany:

I definitely agree with your point that it’s tough to attend an out-of-town wedding with a child, and have no idea what to do with them! My husband and I knew that we’d have 5 or 6 younger kids flying in with their parents, but not attending the wedding, so we arranged for 2 babysitters to watch them all for the evening. The kids got to have a fun night in the hotel, the parents felt good knowing that their kids were in the care of someone we trust, and everyone got to enjoy a nice, adult party!

I totally agree with you (and can’t wait to see pictures! I love wedding pictures)!
I also like Bethany’s idea of including some sort of child-care options, that way people will really get the clue that children are not invited. At my wedding (nearly 9 years ago), I invited all of our cousins, but not their children. It so happened I had several cousins who were toddlers, but that was OK with me, I made accommodations for them. What I was not OK with me was that one of my husband’s cousins thought it was quite alright to bring their 4 children and to sign them all up for an expensive plate. All this despite the invitation being addressed to Mr. & Mrs. no to “and family”.

Amen! We didn’t invite kids to our wedding either!
Kaleigha´s last blog ..Fashion Quandary: Stefanie

Rhi, I agree with you that it’s your wedding, and if you don’t want kids, then people should respect that.

That being said, HOO, AmeliaMac, that’s harsh. Dude, once you have kids, getting a sitter IS a pain in the ass, and for a wedding — which tends to be a longer affair than, say, dinner out — it’s an even bigger pain in the ass, not to mention expensive. So it is, kind of, a big-ass inconvenience, and I don’t think most people are intentionally being douchey when they ask about their kids, they’re just thinking through all the options.

So I’m down with respecting the wishes of the bride and groom, but I’m not down with acting like parents who find it to be a wee bit of an inconvenience to leave their kid at home to be selfish douches.

It’s complicated, yo, and with little, little kids, even more so. Which is why, yeah, offering a sitter for out of town guests is a nice idea, as is being gentle and kind when you say hey, we love your kids, but we’ve chosen an adult-only reception.

The bottom line is that you are hosting YOUR wedding, which is definitely your thing, but you’re also hosting other people, too, and the rules of being a gracious host also apply.

But if we’re kvetching about wedding issues, seven fracking years later, I’m still effing bitter that people from out of town felt it was okay to INVITE OTHER PEOPLE to my wedding by writing their names in on the invitation. No, 17-year-old cousin, I didn’t invite your GIRLFRIEND, but thanks, Aunt Deb, for writing her name in on the invite!

But I can still bring my cats, right? I bought them formal attire and everything!
Kristabella´s last blog ..The Five-Day Week

No one should ask about bringing their kid if the invite is to Mr. and Mrs. only. That’s like being single, getting an invite that says Miss only, and calling the bride to ask if you can bring a guest. If the kids or the guest aren’t included on the invitation, then you must make other arrangements. Period.

What in the hell ever happened to etiquette?

You have every right to have a kid-free wedding, but I’d like to add to the others’ that either providing child-care options or setting up something up for any out-of-towners is a great thing to do.

We had good friends get married when Nathan was a 3-week-old newborn. We left him with Grandpa & Grandpa for the 20 minute ceremony and chose to skip the reception because he was too wee to be left with the sitters they’d arranged and the reception (and my boob juice) would be too far away from my In-Laws.

Other friends used the babysitting offered and everyone had a blast.

(You don’t have to provide it if you don’t want to, but a list of options would likely be much appreciated. :) )
Angella´s last blog ..Marriage vs. Common-Law

Jcristg: Like I said, I don’t think people are doing it on purpose. For my part, I wouldn’t bring my kid to Rhi’s wedding, nor would I ask. But if someone did (especially the parent of a tiny infant, say), I wouldn’t be surprised. Every family is different, and some people DO bring their kids everywhere, and don’t realize (right or wrong) that they aren’t invited to things like weddings. (Which, in some families, are ALWAYS a family affair, no matter what time they take place, so they’re just operating off of their own frame of reference.)

Weddings are so personal in interpretation and experience, and all this shit is why you could not pay me a MILLION DOLLARS to get married again and deal with all of this again. I’ll tell you that much.
jonniker´s last blog ..Out from Under

I don’t understand parents who want to bring their kids everywhere. I just don’t get them. I also don’t understand women who only identify as moms. Or women who use email addresses or Social Media profiles with names like TobysMom.
melissalion´s last blog ..My New Hiking Boots

Reading these comments is very interesting. It reminds me that in my social group we do wedding totally different then the rest of the world. Not better or worse…just totally different.

(I’m still loving the formal wedding idea.)
Isabel´s last blog ..In which there is no try

Isabel: I’m not sure where you’re coming from, but a lot of my comments stem from the fact that in my family, weddings are a FULL-BLOWN FAMILY AFFAIR ALL CAPS. Kids are always invited, and it’s assumed and expected that they will be welcome.

Now, I have a such a giant blended family and friends who do things differently that I don’t have the expectation myself (though my wedding was kids kids KIDS!), but coming from that, I get why other people might make different assumptions.
jonniker´s last blog ..Out from Under

I agree with Jonna 99.9% of the time when it comes to ANYTHING. But oh, boy do I not agree with you here. When you MAKE THE CHOICE to have children, you are also, not so official choice to forego doing certain things. And going to certain weddings is ONE OF THEM. And putting someone in the awkward position of having to say to you to your face NO YOU CANNOT BRING YOUR KIDS, that is very different from that individual putting you in an uncomfortable position of having to say sorry- I can’t go to your wedding.

That should say Not so officially making the choice.

Here are my two cents. It is your wedding Rhi! You do what you want to make sure that you have the most beautiful day ever, as it should be. I had to have kids come to my wedding because most of our family is out of town and I didn’t want to have to deal with all of that drama. But, we also had a couple of teenagers that came to babysit and explained to everyone that kids could come but after 8 we preferred it to be a kids free zone and hey here are some babysitters. It actually worked quite well. If it makes you feel better I was actually referred to as the crazy bitch because I refused to invite my white trash cousin and her horrible family because they always bring drama where ever they go and always make it about them. To this day I still stand by my decision.
jayme´s last blog ..Fashion Police My Ass!

Honey, your wedding, your day, your way. You and Bill have EVERY RIGHT to make those types of decisions. And while I think it is polite to say “hey, if your kids have to travel into town with you, here are some options to keep them out of our hair/I know a neighbor girl who babysits and doesn’t play with fire”, it is certainly not a requirement, as you are not required to make their travel arrangements for them.

Like Slynnro said, parents have to realize that their choice of being parents means they have to make different choices than those of us who are currently child-free.
Darcey´s last blog ..Insert Foot

I’m sending Truman on his own to crash your wedding. He’ll be riding down the aisle in a little chariot pulled by Kristin’s cats. You’re okay with this, right?
regan´s last blog ..vacation overload

LOL! Slynnro, I know! I know! And dude, I would not bring my kids. I wouldn’t! (In fact, recently, I didn’t, even when she was invited, because Jesus H. it’s after 6 p.m., are you CRAZY? She’s in BED THEN.) I wouldn’t ASK, either, and I *do* think it’s rude.

But all I’m saying is that I don’t think people are INTENTIONALLY being assholes when they ask. I think they’re just … not thinking. And as the host of any large party, being gracious when people are being less-than-gracious is part of the gig. I try NOT to assume that people are being selfish douches, is what I’m saying.

I’ve honestly never asked or been in the position where I’ve had to ask. But I will say if it were a close friend of mine and I had a newborn (like, a BRAND-NEW newborn), I would ask to see what she wanted me to do — leave early, bring the newborn, or not go at all, because you really can’t leave a newborn behind. But in that case, I would honestly assume that my friend was a good enough friend that it wouldn’t be weird if I asked and explained my situation, and that it wouldn’t be awkward or rude or be held against me.

Anyway, I think the idea about babysitters being offered is really only true if you’re having a wedding where people are coming from out of town. Then, you have to be totally of the expectation that a lot of people with kids can’t come (which is fine, as I have said no to plenty of things that I can’t do anymore since having kids) or offer some kind of assistance in the form of babysitting suggestions, just like you would offer suggestions for a block of hotel rooms, etc. etc.

The only time I really take issue with the no-kid wedding is when it’s the trifecta of wedding irritations: 1) the destination wedding; 2) the destination kid-free wedding that is Very Far Away; and 3) A couple who is Very Annoyed when people with children can’t come and don’t understand WHY they can’t come and talk smack about the non-attendees like they’re just CRAZY ATTACHED PARENTS OMFG.

I have seen this trifecta, and it is hideous.

So, I think my comments are being misunderstood: No, I don’t think it’s right that people ask. Yes, I think it’s your right to have a kid-free wedding.

But the idea that the people who DO ask are doing so maliciously or because they are these crazypants people who can’t bear to be away from their children is probably misguided. They’re just being thoughtless, and with that in mind, you should feel no shame in bluntly saying, no, sorry, it’s adults-only. You ask? Be ready for the answer.
jonniker´s last blog ..Out from Under

Word up, yo. It’s your wedding, your day. It’s about YOU and not the cute kids that inevitably get more attention than the bride and groom.

We didn’t invited kids. Period. That included our niece, my maid of honor’s two year old, or any of the assorted other kids. If you weren’t 18, you weren’t there. Period.

But. And there’s a but. There remain hard feelings from many about the no kid situation. I regret it more than I can say, mostly because my MIL, SIL, aunt, and uncle STILL mention it regularly, almost two years later. I wish, very often, we had bent a little on this issue. (My husband does not. He believes we did the right thing and the wedding ended up being what he wanted. However, the damn wedding still ended up revolving around the kids that weren’t there and now I look back on my wedding day with rage.)

So. There’s that. It’s your decision and it sounds like your family and friends are way more cool than mine are!!
NGS´s last blog ..45 x 365 #283

And by “You ask? Be ready …” I mean the parents who ask, not you, the wedding person.
jonniker´s last blog ..Out from Under

I’m w/ Jonniker, it IS complicated, yo.

I mean, I’m the girl who invited only SIX people to her wedding, so I get it. I truly, truly do.

However, I’m going to have a 6 week old and an out of town wedding to attend in July and if we couldn’t bring him, we couldn’t go. And we’d be bummed.

I still think the call is 100% up to the bride and groom . . . just saying if it came down to attending a wedding vs. being with my 6 week old nursing baby . . . I’d pick the baby, and I’d be sad to miss the wedding.
HollyLynne´s last blog ..Checking things off the 2010 list

my aunt recently got remarried and had her two granddaughters as flower girls, during the wedding, one of my young cousins (around the same age as the flower girls) asked if she could walk down the aisle too and her mother (my other aunt) allowed her to.

When I heard that story, I immediately decided that children were not going to be permitted – especially not my bratty 6 year old cousins. Babies, however, were another story (many relatives had children less than a year old), we allowed babies, and our ring bearer and his brother, but no other small children. We didn’t have too much backlash as many of our pals don’t have kids yet, but many of my family chose not to go to my wedding because their kids wouldn’t be allowed/it was “too expensive to get to/too far away.”

It was a much nicer environment, we sat the families with the babies all together and they loved it. I dunno, I just didn’t want to pay for a kid to eat 1/2 a plate of expensive fish or chicken. Like you, i envisioned laughing and glasses clinking and maybe some songs played by the DJ with explicative lyrics, there wasn’t a place for a tribe of youngen’s running around (the ring bearer and his brother though, they were bustin’ moves all over that dance floor. I do not regret having them there. I do not regret making a special exception to my no kids rule)

Go you for making that decision, it is a tough decision and even tougher to be confronted about it, but in the end it’s YOUR day and about what YOU want :)
heidi´s last blog ..The Worst Part

jonniker, I come from a place where its 100% assumed that kids will attend every single function. It is just implied that kids are invited to every function. Seriously. And, again, in MY social circle (ie: my religion) it wouldn’t be looked down upon to bring a friend along that wasn’t invited.

That being said, we don’t have formal weddings. We just don’t. No sit down dinner. That’s why the idea of a formal wedding is so appealing to me…because I’ve never even been to one in my life. (I take that back…I went to one in Vegas one time. It was awesome!)

(I have yet to figure out why we don’t typically have formal weddings in my religion. I think because we just know too many darn people and the cost of a formal wedding would be brutal. Especially after paying for kid #5′s wedding.)

Again, I’m loving all these comments. This is so fascinating!
Isabel´s last blog ..In which there is no try

Did I mention already that I abstained from sex for months just so that there would be no chance of me having a newborn at the time of your wedding?

I go the extra mile for my friends.
Carrisa´s last blog ..new week, some changes

Children were not invited to our wedding either, and I’ve never, once, not even for a second regretted that decision. A friend called my husband and asked if he could bring his kids and he suggested that he get a babysitter. End of story. I’m sure even sure if they ended up attending. It was an evening wedding like yours and just not an appropriate venue for children. Besides, who wants to force their children to sit through a ceremony and long dinner? What child would enjoy that?

Don’t doubt yourself. You ought to have the wedding of your dreams, not settle for an event that will be convenient for (a few of) your guests. I settled, and 9 years later I still regret a lot of things about my wedding. Do what will make you happy, it’s your day. Trite and cliched? Yes, but TRUE.

I had the same issue with my wedding. One of my aunts decided she’d “show me” and refused to attend. Whatevs. She gave herself a little too much credit in thinking it would hurt me. I still don’t regret that decision and think it worked out for the better. So, Rhi, go with your gut and don’t let anyone second guess your decisions. It’s your wedding! (And Bill’s)

Wow. I never really expected this many comments on this topic.

Couple things: we like children. My nieces seriously HANG THE MOON for me. With that said, I’m a firm believer that there are places that are okay to take children, and there are places that are not okay to take children. If you’re from Portland and you know where I’m getting married, I think you might agree that it’s the most child-friendly wedding venue in the city.

When Bill and I first got engaged and started talking about our wedding guest list, we figured that between our friends and family there were more than 60 children. That doesn’t account for the half a dozen friends that we have that are currently pregnant. Assuming that the caterer we chose counts a child as half a person, that would be 30 adults we couldn’t invite. I’m not okay with cutting 30 people from my guest list in order for children, who won’t even remember the event, most likely to attend.

It’s my goal to have a fun wedding with awesome food, great wine and wonderful company. Children just don’t fit into that picture for me. And, if I’m paying for dinner and drinks for 200+ people, I get to dictate who does and doesn’t get to come. Not inviting children doesn’t make me a bad host. And, furthermore, children don’t even like oil poached tuna and caviar.

Of COURSE it doesn’t make you a bad host. To be clear, that is in no way what I was saying. And of COURSE not having kids is FINE and absolutely reasonable, especially with 60 kids.

All, I swear to Jebus, I was trying to say was that MOST people who ask if they can bring their kids are only asking because they want to come to your wedding, and are probably excited about it, and are trying to figure out what they’re options are. They don’t mean it maliciously, and a simple, “Yo, dude, no kids,” will suffice.

I’m NOT saying it’s right in the Emily Post sense, and man, it puts you in a bad position. I GET THAT. What I took issue with (and not even a big issue!) was the idea that parents who ask are all, “I CANNOT BEAR TO BE PARTED FROM MY PRESHUS CHILDREN.”

I had some weird-ass shit when it came to my wedding (the aforementioned invite of young high schooler’s girlfriend, for one) around my wedding, too. I think it’s inevitable. People get hurt feelings and make it about them and it’s all so FRAUGHT with emotions, these wedding things. I tried (and ultimately, I’m pretty sure, failed) to just keep remembering that most of people’s rudeness was not intentional, and was because they wanted to be there for Adam and me. And unless the people asking are total assholes, that’s probably the case with your situation, too.

That’s all I was saying! And I wouldn’t even have said it, if not that I probably misinterpreted Amelia’s comment that parents think it’s a horrifying imposition: they don’t. Most normal parents don’t. Really.
jonniker´s last blog ..Out from Under

Ah, I see, too, where my words could be confusing, because PS, my “gracious host” comments didn’t mean you were a bad one, I meant that people do rude things around weddings ALL THE TIME, and ugh, you just have to grin and bear it and be polite, when really, all you want to do is tell them to shove off, and you can’t believe how RUDE they’re being and OH MY GOD, whaaat?

That’s being a gracious host in light of not-so-gracious events. It doesn’t mean kowtowing to their demands. It means not telling them to fuck off when really, that’s ALL you feel like doing.
jonniker´s last blog ..Out from Under

I agree with Jonna that it shouldn’t be assumed that parents who ask about bringing kids are intentionally being rude. Maybe they, like Isabel and myself, are just from a culture/family/religion where kids are welcome at all social functions. The first time I heard of a child-free wedding I was totally nonplussed. I get it now, especially since I’m a parent.

Like HollyLynne, if I had a small baby and was invited to an out-of-town wedding and my child wasn’t, I would pick the kid and be really sad I couldn’t make it to the wedding. I knew when I became a parent that my life wasn’t going to be exactly the same as it was when I was childless. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be sad about some of the things I can’t do any more, even though I freely made the choice to have kids. Just like it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be sad to miss a vacation because you had to work at the job you freely chose.

Rhi, this is one of those topics that gets people all het up, clearly! Weddings in general seem to do that, actually. As you are no doubt ALL TOO AWARE. ;-)
bethany actually´s last blog ..a random pretty sunset and geeky ramblingin honor of Delurking Day

Are you for real?? There is NO WAY I am going to have children at my wedding. How is this an issue? Hire a sitter people!

I also don’t think you need to make the “it’s a formal wedding” excuse. I’m thinking of a picnic in the park wedding and if we go with that I still am not allowing children.

Like you said if I close my eyes and think of the sounds I want to hear children are NOT one of the sounds.
Angela @ Lost In Splendor´s last blog ..The Cleansing Begins

You know, when it comes to weddings there will just be some people who will take issue with ANYTHING because that is how they are.

Also 60 kids is Quite A Lot to have at a formal wedding. You would almost need to hire someone to keep them entertained anyway if they were invited.

Good for you and standing up for what you want. If other people insist on making what shouldn’t be a big deal into the end of the world then too bad for them. :)

(Of course, I can say that now because my wedding planning is done)
Erin (Snarke)´s last blog ..Guess Who Had Caffeine Today

Considering that at the last wedding I went to (when I was like 15) I was the designated BABY SITTER. I don’t really like kids, don’t really want kids, and I really don’t want them foisted on me because I have a uterus.

Where was I going? Oh yes, good for you for standing up for what you want. It is your wedding and everyone should just do what you want because you only get one day like this ever (or at least that is the goal.)

And I love that you did (and Bill) with parenthesis. It made me giggle.
Sarah´s last blog ..Moved.

Your wedding. Your rules. EXACTLY!
sizzle´s last blog ..A Rare Recap*

Do yourself a favor and put it on the invitation that it’s an adults only reception. I had the same rule, only a select few kids, and they were all in the teen/preteen realm, but my MIL convinced me it was tacky to explicitly say “Adults only” on the invitation, which then led people to believe they could write their kids in on the response card. This led to some very uncomfortable phone calls. And I’d like to ask, why is it that some people, who had child free weddings only a few years ago, get so offended when you ask them not to bring their kids to your wedding? GAH!

To clarify my earlier comment (now that I’ve read more of what other people have to say and how things were interpreted): I really, honestly believe that MOST people are either a.) willing to deal with find childcare for a wedding/event they really want to attend, and b.) would only ask about bringing a child in an attempt to sort through their options (not in an attempt to guilt the bride and groom into anything).

However, the group I was attempting to refer to was the group of people who get INTENSELY offended when their children are NOT invited to a wedding. I am in a wedding this coming June, where multiple friends of the groom have not even allowed the thought of a babysitter to grace their minds – they are simply refusing to come, because their children (and I’m not talking fresh babies, here – I’m talking age 3+) are not invited. To me, that makes NO sense. I just can’t fathom REFUSING to explore any option that doesn’t involve me bringing my child to a wedding, you know? Those are the people I’m talking about – not your average joe who has kids/is used to kids being invited to weddings/finds it somewhat inconvenient to arrange childcare.

Hopefully I have clarified that I am not an evil baby-hater – I do like kids, I swear! I just don’t particularly care for the select subset of people who ARE jerks about not being able to bring their kids, and ARE attempting to guilt the bride and groom into allowing them to do so. (Can you tell that I am just 6 months past my own wedding? The rude-guest-related rage, it is still simmering!)

stick to your guns. Children should not be at weddings! it is your party anyway.

I liked this post because we’re also planning a kid free wedding. We have a bit of a hitch – my fiance’s brother’s wife is pregnant and the baby will be only a couple months old at the time of our wedding…and they live three states away. So they may be the exception.

We aren’t having kids in the wedding either though. I can see if it were like one or two (or even three) child attendants that were invited. But once you go over that by having “child readers” it just kind of seems like you gave them roles so that they would be invited and others wouldn’t. If I were a parent who’s child wasn’t picked to be one of the 5-10 kids who got to be there – I’d probably not go. (but I’d never say why because it’s not my place to tell someone what they should do – I can only control my reaction to it.) That being said, you are entitled to do whatever you want – but you can’t control how other people will perceive it.
aimee´s last blog ..BLAH-ging

I’m with you. It’s your day. The end.
Christine´s last blog ..Have a Great Love Story?

I was a bridesmaid for my nearest and dearest and even Cheeky couldn’t come. I was devastated. Totally and completely. I mean, the wedding was in Portland, and we were traveling from NYC for the wedding. What was I supposed to do with my 2 year old child? Dad and Janet were AT the wedding, too. It had been 20 years since I lived in PDX, and wasn’t comfortable leaving her with strangers. We did find a solution, but the whole process drained my soul.

I think most folks, however, should “get it,” that if it’s an evening wedding = no kids. If you opt for an 11:15am event, then expect the cherubs to come.

I guess, the hard part, as a parent, is that even though we get that it’s all about the wedding, and the bride’s wishes, there’s a huge disappointment that comes along with being told that your children can’t come. And sometimes, that can be cost prohibitive for someone to attend. We’ve declined a few evening weddings, with broken hearts, simply because we couldn’t afford a sitter.

And the flip side is that now that my longest and dearest friend has a child herself now, she can’t imagine being asked to leave him at home.

So perhaps it’s all in the timing, I guess. I totally get and respect your wishes, but sometimes that my friends understood the hardship and disappointment for the parents, too.
shelli´s last blog ..Really? Again?

It seems silly to me that you even have to make that distinction. If Mr and Mrs John Doe receive an invitation to a wedding, why is it okay to assume the whole effing family is invited? I like very few children. Like maybe four total. And while I don’t usually mind being around them, there are certain places where I’d rather go without. Movies, for one. Can’t stand it when people bring kids to the theater. Ugh. Weddings are another. It’s a grown-up affair. So… good for you.

[...] can understand that as one commenter (Mandy) at Rhi in Pink’s “My Wedding, My Rules” pointed out, “Guests don’t realize the way children change the atmosphere and, AND, [...]

i know i’m clocking in about 6 months too late. but i just want to share my personal experience with you, and i hope you don’t face a similar situation:
when one specifies that this is an “adults-only” party, it is clear that children are not invited.
two years ago, i had a tiny 8 week old baby and lost a friend of 35 years because she refused to “allow” me to bring my newborn. as shelli mentioned above, it’s only when you become a parent that you recognize the distinction between children and tiny infants. when a baby is just 3-4 weeks old, it’s still gestating. just gestating outside of its mother’s body. at this time, a separation between mother and child can be devastating on many levels–and shelli, i think in terms of adoptive parents and their children, you go through a very similar thing. it’s a trust and attachment issue.
so, even though your wedding is just days away, i might recommend being so hard and fast. no baby is going to take away from your show. and any mother with a newborn is more worried that baby will cry than you could ever be.
i certainly hope that you don’t/haven’t had the trauma of choosing to end a relationship with a friend over having a tiny baby at your wedding.
btw: congratulations and good luck!

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