Rather than talk about how I cried myself to sleep last night pining away for the boy. I’ll just tell you how I became a Certified Ear Piercer in the lovely State of Oregon.

I suggest, after reading this, you  never, ever let a teenager in the mall pierce the ears of your loved one.

Step 1: Your parents tell you that you must get a job, they are sick of sending money to you because they know you only spend it on Mar Far Chicken and Dessert Breadsticks.

Step 2: You put on your best khaki pants and head to the Valley River Center where you fill out an application to be a Sales Associate at Afterthoughts.

Step 3: You interview with the manager of said Afterthoughts store who tells you that she makes good money ($10.50 an hour!) and gives you a customer service test with questions such as “A customer asks for something off a high shelf, do you (a) smile and get it for them (b) ignore them, or (c) tell them to get it their damn self”.

Step 4: Manager of Afterthoughts store calls to tell you, “You just outshined everyone else!” Think quietly to yourself, “Well, duh!” Become underwhelmed at 20% discount on scrunchies and Bonne Bell products

Step 5: After reading through pamphlet on cleanliness, demonstrate that you certainly CAN pierce the pen mark on a Styrofoam Meat Tray. And, not only can you do it once, you can do it 3 times in a row. Pass to next step

Step 6: Ask (strong-arm) 3 of your girlfriends into coming in to get their ears pierced for free! The only catch? I’ll be doing it. And, I’ve NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

Step 7: Pierce the ears of those 3 girls. Who is the third girl? Are you out there? Do I not remember you because we haven’t spoken since?

Step 8: A lovely paper ear piercing license arrives at said Afterthoughts store  bearing your name. Immediately begin piercing the ears of the entire University of Oregon football team with 5mm CZ studs. Both ears. What? It was the 90s.

Now, before you all hop a plane to Portland for me to pierce your ears, I must let you know, I am no longer licensed. Sorry. I left my lucrative career in ear piercing to pursue one in Online Marketing. I’d also like to point out, with the gun, my boss did once pierce my nose. But, that is another story for another day.