There is SO much in my life I have to be thankful for, but honestly, today is going to be a struggle.

When I was seven years old, a nun (I went to Parochial School) ushered me into her office and gave me a book on grieving. Later I learned that my Grandpa had passed away. And, even LATER, (as in this year, I learned that my dad, aunt, and uncle had to make the decision to disconnect his breathing machine). It was Thanksgiving week.

When I was 13 years old, I was suffering from my very first kidney infection, I had also gotten braces on that week (who makes their kid get braces the same week as Thanksgiving?). I learned this week that my Auntie Helen passed away.

It was this year that my dad’s side of the family pretty much stopped celebrating this holiday. Last year, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I spent the holiday with my dad, at our beach house. I remember talking to my Grandma and her telling me that they were just going to have chicken, “Because she liked it better.” Take that, pilgrims! So, even though I probably wouldn’t even had seen her today, I’m missing my Grandma. There would have been a phone call. We would have talked about the parade, she would have asked what I was going to eat for dinner. I would have been able to hear her sweet voice.

So, today, I’ll drive to our house at the beach. We’ll visit the cemetery where my Grandma is buried beside my Grandpa and her two brothers and sisters. And, we’ll eat dinner, just the two of us.

I know this first set of holidays without her is going to be the hardest. Buying one less card at Mother’s Day was terrible, her birthday was terrible, and I’m scared to think about how Christmas will be without my sweet grandma.